Rocket, Back On The Juice; Suzyn Waldman Spontaneously Orgasms

Roger Clemens is back, and not a moment too soon for Yankee fans! Hooray! How any Yankee fan could be excited about this is beyond me. Let's quickly look at the myriad problems with the "Roger Clemens Is Back In The Bronx" disaster that has been dumped in our laps like an unwanted baby is tossed in a dumpster in the South Bronx:

1) Signings like this are exactly the type of personnel decision that have left the Yankees in the current state they are in (14-16, tied with the D-Rays). As a Mets fan, I was willing to accept the fact that the Mets might struggle for a bit while they tried to develop guys like Oliver Perez, John Maine, Mike Pelfrey, etc., but I was happy because at least they were moving away from the "patch together a rotation with fading stars" bullshit that had been their M.O. since the mid 90s. The Yankees are moving the complete opposite direction - older, frailer and more overpaid.

2) Roger Clemens is a huge asshole. He is a gigantic Texas redneck with an even bigger ego. And he will now be joining a team of other hired guns with comparably enormous egos. Well, joining them at home games. If he feels like it. Apparently the Yankees value team chemistry as much as I value exercise and a balanced diet (I'd take a digital picture of my lovehandles to prove my point, but I don't want to get off the couch).

3) This signing really is not going to have that big of an impact on the Yankees' season. I'd elaborate, but Rumors and Rants does a much better job for me right here. Perhaps the Yanks should look for a closer who they can tender a $28 million pro-rated contract to.

4) Yankees fans, they keep crawlin' back. Any Yankee fan who cheered as Roger Clemens all but rode into the owner's box on a white horse on Sunday should be publicly flogged. That man is what Jennifer Lopez would look like if she were a juiced up Texas meathead. Cheering for him after he pulled his "maybe I will, maybe I won't" routine for an entire spring is like kicking your husband out after he beats you and then throwing an ice cream party for the bastard when he decides to come back home.

5) Clemens is set to make his first start during the first week of June, according to crying little jerkoff Yankees G.M. Brian Cashman. That's kind of funny, because as a Mets fan, I have a player of mine rejoining the team during the first week of June. What was his name...big dude...kind of a dick...ummmm - Oh yeah! Guiellermo Mota! The same Guiellermo Mota who got caught for steroids and suspended for 50 games under the new, relatively ineffective MLB drug testing policy! This reeks of a cover up. Bud Selig, baseball commissioner and known douchebag, most certainly suspended Mota during the first wave of random drug testing in order to prove that the new testing is "working," while telling Roger to lay low for a few months in order to protect the legacy of one of the better pitchers of our generation. Total. Bullshit.

6) The Yankees now have a thirdbaseman who wears purple lipstick, a shortstop with a flattop and a grown man who frosts his tips. This is not a pennant contender. This is a really shitty boy band.



Lance Bass's bigger, gayer brother.

7) I am not a skilled enough writer to put in to words how absurd Suzyn Waldman's reaction to this announcement was. Enjoy. (via "Yes Joe, It's Toasted")



This woman makes Fran Healy sound goooooooood.

So in conclusion - enjoy, Yankees fans, for you have added one more expensive, selfish rent-a-star to your already bloated payroll.

Boo This Man

Yes, boo him. Scream "Down in front!" Throw shit at him. Expose your scrotum in the background when people ask him to pose for pictures with them, for Cow-Bell Man is the biggest fraud at Shea Stadium.

I have been going to Mets games since 1987, but I don't really have any specific memories of being in the Stadium until around 1989. Throughout my Mets career, there have been many memorable characters I have enjoyed meeting and seeing at Shea. The two scalpers we used to sell some of our season tickets to who had a business card they passed out with only their first names on it. The guy that sat field level wearing a suit and a Lone Ranger mask. The lady that sat behind home plate with all the doofy hats and made weird hand gestures. These people were great because they great characters, but weren't schticky - they were memorable for being who they are.

Cow-Bell Man, on the other hand, is one of the most loathsome motherfuckers a fan of a professional sports team can encounter. Cow-Bell Man is the A-Rod of fans - a true "24 + 1" guy. Most fans are content going to the stadium and cheering hard for their team. But not Cow-Bell Man. No, sir. He needs to walk around Shea in his customized jersey making a racket with an obnoxious fucking instrument. Even if your kid had Down Syndrome, you would probably only let it walk around your house smacking a cowbell for about 45 minutes before you pull the plug. This asshole does it for the entire game.

Everyone knows someone like this from high school: abrasive, grating personality, thinks they're cooler than they really are, probably went on to pursue some vapid acting career because they are so in love with themselves and love the spotlight. It would have been fine with me if Cow-Bell Man were to pursue commercial gigs on Telemundo, but no. He has to let all of Shea know that he is the #1 fan.

What disgusts me about Cow-Bell Man, besides the blatant misspelling of the word "cowbell," is that he takes away from the game in order to feed his massive Puerto Rican ego. Naturally, fans of all ages and intensity levels are going to come to Shea. But that doesn't mean these people aren't terribly annoying. You know the people I'm talking about. The one's more concerned with starting the wave than the fact that their team has two runners in scoring position, down by one. The one's doing annoying shit in order to get on the big screen. Any New York fan who participates in a "Sweet Caroline" sing-a-long. I have encountered similar fans in my New York sports career. The "Freddy Sez" douchebag at Yankee Stadium. The Jets' Firefighter Ed (who I like, by the way). "Dancin' Larry," who is affectionately known as "Homo Larry" in my section of the 400s at MSG.

With Firefighter Ed excluded, I have noticed a primarily negative reaction to these "Super Fans." A real fan doesn't need some jerkoff who has appointed himself the "#1 Fan" to get them excited. Especially when that fan may have other intentions than simply rooting for their team.

"Big Mackey Sasser," you ask, "are you implying that there might be more to Cow-Bell Douche than meets the eye?"

Yes, indeed I am. At a New York Rangers game at the Garden earlier this year, I was going to take a piss in the 400 level and saw none other than Cow-Bell Man leaning against the railing having a conversation with someone (come to think of it, it might have been Homo Larry). How did I know it was Cow-Bell Man? Because the asshole was wearing his custom made Mets jersey at a hockey game. Anyway, the snippet of the conversation that I overheard was as follows:

Rangers Fan (possibly Homo Larry): "So have the Mets given you season tickets yet?"

Cow-Bell Man: "No man, it's fucking ridiculous."

Ridiculous? That the Mets won't give $4,000 worth of tickets to someone who probably couldn't name everyone in the bullpen because he is too concerned with making noise during the game? Really?

Fuck you Cow-Bell Man.

In closing, I would like to implore everyone who attends a game at Shea this year, whether they are a fan of the Mets or not: BOO COW-BELL MAN. Do not take pictures with him. Do not feed his ego. Do not think that he represents Mets fans. He is but a pimple on the ass of Shea Stadium, and hopefully as the Shea Era ends in 2009, so with it goes the cowbell.