2007 Shea Promotions: They're Craaaap-tacular!

We've written about shitty promotions at Shea in the past, however at the April 21st game against the Braves, the Mets truly outdid themselves. Normally I would not feel compelled to do a post aimed at one specific promotion, but last Saturday's give away was such a fucking abomination, I feel that it is warranted.

Behold, the most embarrassing promotional give away I can recall in my 19 years of attending Mets games:

I don't know how, but I've actually made this monstrosity look good in this photo. I can only attribute this to the fact that I am an artistic genius - the Diane Arbus of stadium promotional items. But with a schlong.

This luggage tag was sponsored by Luggage Express. They are a "universal express company." What is a universal express company? Fuck if I know. But they were able to front the money to sponsor this giveaway. Well kind of - they were only given to the first 25,000 sad bastards lucky fans.

I'm pretty sure that when the Mets front office actually saw these luggage tags, they reacted like Herb Powell when Homer's car was unveiled to the media. There was no mention of Luggage Express during the game, nor were there any signs, Diamond Vision announcements, etc. promoting the company or this shitty item. In fact, a pocket schedule I obtained on Wednesday acknowledges that there was a promotion that Saturday, but it does not tell you what the give away was, as it does for every other promotion. The Mets website still mentions the luggage tag, but I have a feeling the team is trying to wash its hands of this thing ASAP.

Braves, Hillbillies To Come Together On Ticket Plans

When you win 14 division titles in a fifteen year span, you probably should not have to resort to shit like this to get people to come to your games. As reported by the AP, the Braves are now offering "interest free" ticket packages (limited to plans valued at over $200!) in order to entice local goobers to actually show up at Turner Field. The best quote from this story? GE Money vice president of sporting goods industry Dennis Murphy thinks that, "the very high percentage of customers will pay these off." You stay classy, Atlanta. Hopefully no Atlanta area families will have to go without tornado insurance in order to pay off their Braves plan.

Tilford, GA resident Raymond Cooter anxiously awaits his Braves Sunday Plan outside of his double wide Monday night.

Antonio Alfonseca Is A Tremendously Fat Fuck

Holy shit. As I was watching Ollie Perez suck a GIGANTIC dick on the mound tonight, I was fortunate enough to see one of the true marvels of modern athletics in the bottom of the eighth inning. Jesus Christ is Antonio Alfonseca a tubby bitch. Wow. I did a double - nay, a triple take - when I saw this side profile of Alfonseca. Talk about a walking heart attack. This picture is captured via DVR on my TV and is not distorted or Photoshopped in any way, shape or form. This man must weigh close to 450 pounds. Look at his pants, too. It looks like he's carrying a miscarried fetus back there. I feel so much better about myself after seeing this image.

The 2007 New York Mets. In Preview Form.

Well, not really a preview. Previews tend to be wrong. And if they are right, who wants to listen to some self righteous asshole who correctly predicted baseball results 6 months in advance refer back to his preview? Besides, with the rising popularity of blogs, everyone from Buster Olney to some douche in your office can now accurately tell you how the '07 season is going to unfold. Well, with the exception of Pedro Gomez. His predictions just straight up blow. With that in mind, we thought that we would simply bring you what it is that has us excited, and not so excited, about the Mets going into Opening Day.

Why This Season Is Going To Rock Hard:

Baseball Is Back. There is perhaps no shittier period in any sports fans' year than the February through mid-March stretch. Football is over. Hockey, if you are one of the 18 people who likes the sport, is still in the middle of its excruciatingly long season. Basketball blows. In fact for us, it pretty much just sucks from October until the first pitch of the following spring. Unless you went to a big school that makes the tourney, or are a total degenerate gambler who grows bored betting on horses, even March Madness licks nuts. This is why New York sports sections start covering spring training in January. Howie Rose. The 7 train. Doubleheaders in July. These simple things remind us of why we love this game so much. Anybody who tells you that this is not the greatest sport on earth deserves to have their mother get spacedocked by Billy Packer.

The Mets Are Getting Younger...ish. Fine, Moises Alou and Damion Easley do not help the age average out at all, but the Mets have finally realized the error of their ways and have officially begun a youth movement. Steve Trachsel and Victor Zambrano (ugh) were told to drag ass and the Mets subsequently brought back a trio of young pitchers who, with some of the other young arms in AAA, should provide a solid young core for years to come. John Maine (25), Oliver Perez (25) and Mike Pelfrey (23) are as good a 3-4-5 combination than any other threesome in the NL. The Mets have also added Ambiorix Burgos (22) and Joe Smith (23) to an already solid bullpen. And, while we can't imagine he'll be up all season, Lastings Milledge (21) played well enough to make the team as a bench player out of camp.

Citi Field Construction Has Begun. Only two more years at the giant blue turd that we all know and loathe love as Shea. Significant progress has been made on the right field stands and according to the presiding Mets fashionista Jeff Wilpon, construction is on schedule and within 1% of the projected budget. The rust colored steel beams and rows of Port-o-lets beyond the left field wall are welcome sights for anyone who has every had to trudge to the Upper Deck up a series of broken escalators, or left the bathroom to discover that the pool of piss you were standing in while taking a leak has crept four inches up the cuff of your pants.

(Thanks to stadiumpage.com for the picture.)

Jose Reyes Makes It Rain. By far the most exciting player in baseball. Mets fans are lucky to get to watch him every game for an entire season. He's like Rickey Henderson. But not a dickhead.

The Bullpen. Last year, the Mets had the best bullpen in the National League, and there is no reason to believe that this year will be any worse. We expect Billy Wagner to have a better year than last year, and last year he was still pretty dope.

Pedro Feliciano and Scott Schoeneweis should handle NL East lefties well. Schoeneweis has only allowed one home run to left handed hitters in the last FOUR YEARS. And, he had cancer in his balls that he beat while he was pitching at Duke. So, you know, he's got that going for him.

Joe Smith, the 23 year old kind-of-side-armer from Wright State will hopefully prove to be an effective replacement for Chad Bradford, who decided during the off season that he would rather rot away in Baltimore for an extra million dollars.

Ambiorix Burgos, the intriguingly fat Armando Benitez replacement, Aaron Heilman and Aaron Sele round out the pen, and should all make for interesting stories this year.

Omar Minaya believes firmly that bullpen strength and Latino players are the keys to a world championship, and he appears to have plenty of both heading into the 2007 season.

Mike Jones - "Mr. Jones" I guess this is not entirely Mets related, but this is one of the reasons we are excited for 2007. We cannot remember the last time a jam this hot debuted before the Mets season started. Professor Reyes has already declared this one of the most influential songs in hip hop history.

"I used to have homies, now I'm like, 'Fuck friends.'"

Things That May Not Rock So Hard

Hearing About How Good The Phillies Are This Year. What? Why? The Phillies are a good team, and we are pretty certain the Mets aren't going to roofie and rape the division like they did last year, but we don't understand all of the hype behind the '07 Phillies bandwagon. Yes, Ryan Howard is a fucking beast. Chase Utley is the real thing, albeit a real thing with a really, really gay name. Pat Burrell will probably kill the Mets again, but he is wearing out his welcome even with Philly fans.

All of the off season talk has been about how great the Phillies pitching staff now is. Here are last years numbers for this modern day Gashouse Gang:

Brett Myers (better at beating his wife than pitching), Freddy Garcia (17-9, 4.54 ERA), Cole Hammels (9-8, 4.08 ERA), Adam Eaton (7-4, 5.12 ERA) and Jamie Moyer (11-14, 4.30 ERA).

Is this that awesome a starting five? Can the Mets 3-4-5 pitchers not go a combined 27-26 with a mid-4 ERA? Fuck that shit. Throw in the fact that their bullpen is embarrassing and Flash Gordon is closing, and you have at best another 88 win team.

Ricky Ledee IS BACK. He's only signed to a minor league deal, but for Christs' sake WHY? Why do the Mets keep doing shit like this? As a favor to Ricky for how well he played off the bench last year? Strictly to bust our balls? This is clearly an insignificant signing, but we just hate Ricky Ledee sooooo much.

The Possibility Of Franco, Easley, Green and Valentin Crashing Hard. These guys are all way past their prime. Valentin had a ridiculous year in '06, but as objective fans, we have little reason to believe he can repeat that performance. Julio got a pass last year for his clubhouse presence, but he totally sucked down the stretch and has virtually nothing to offer this team from an on field perspective. Green was also painfully mediocre with the Mets last year, and it kind of sucks to have him taking up a space when Milledge had such a great spring. We understand that Green deserves a certain amount of respect because of what he has done in the past, but how long will he be allowed to suck this year before Milledge starts playing full time?

Well, it's almost 8:00, and as a special kick in the nuts to start off the season, we have to watch the game on ESPN2 and listen to Joe Morgan fellate Tony "Passed Out Drunk At A Stoplight" LaRussa for being such a genius. Fuck us.

Let's go Mets.