Who Wears Short Jorts?

Yes, yes - it's been a while since Out In The Wilderness has brought you, our friends and immediate family, any Mets news to brighten your work/school day. To be honest, we have been in a deep funk since October, from which we are just starting to recover. For a while, we swore off anything Mets related in an effort to heal the gaping, vagina shaped wound left in our souls from the NLCS. That, coupled with Big Mackey Sasser's preparation for the GREs and Professor Reyes' numerous strip club trips ongoing legal education, have kept us away from the computer for too long.

But fear not. If O.J. can get over killing his wife, Out In The Wilderness can bounce back from a Game 7 loss that never should have happened. What is it, you ask, that we will be opining about in our valiant return to blogging? Could it be Tom Glavine's waffling between signing with the Mets or Braves? The devastating loss of Chad Bradford to the Orioles? Perhaps the shitty name of the Mets new ballpark? No, no and no. Today we address a burning question much more crucial to the outcome of the 2007 season: Which current Met is the most likely to wear jorts?

Jorts. Quite possibly the biggest fashion tragedy to afflict white people since the advent of the popped collar. Jorts are mainly concentrated in the Midwest, however there are brave souls throughout the country who are willing to sacrifice decency and self-respect in order to obtain the stylishness of denim and the comfort of pants cuffed above the knee. Jorts are usually accessorized by sneakers made by a company who has no business making shoes in the first place, such as Starter or Champion. The jorts phenomenon affects each of us in a similar manner to homosexuality - if it's not true about you, you definitely have a friend or family member suffering from the tragic disease.

The following is the official Out In The Wilderness line on which Met is the most likely to show up to a charity event in Queens boldly wearing their freshest jorts:

Tom Glavine

25 to 1

A quick Google image search of Tom Glavine turned up this gem, and to be honest, this is exactly how we pictured Tommy G. when he is not wearing his uniform - pleated khakis, ugly mock turtleneck/windbreaker and presumably some Reebok turf shoes. Spending the bulk of his career playing in the south certainly would lead one to believe that Glavine has an arsenal of Lee jorts in his closet, but he just seems a little to classy and established to throw self respect to the wind. Plus, we have always pictured Glavine keeping his black mid-calf dress socks on while banging his wife after a night out, and frankly someone like that just would not wear jorts.



Ramon Castro

14 to 1

Ramon seems like a mortal lock to wear some form of jorts, however this leads us to an important sociological and cultural crossroads - there is a world of difference between jorts and denim shorts. "Jorts" as a fashion statement are specific to caucasians 99% of the time. They are typically tighter fitting and hemmed at or well above the knee. The esteemed gentleman on the left is a prime example of how white people should wear their jorts. Denim shorts, on the other hand, are usually favored by cooler, mostly non-white individuals and are exponentially more acceptable to wear in public. Occasionally in the outskirts of the suburbs you will still see white children wearing South Pole denim shorts that look like baggy capris, however these kids are inbred and will most likely be wiped out when a tornado rips through their trailer park.

Ramon is definitely the kind of guy who shows up shitfaced to the Puerto Rican Day Parade wearing denim shorts and a red, white and blue "Boricua" do-rag and winds up stabbing someone at the end of the day. For that, we love him.

Paul Lo Duca

8 to 1

With apologies to Professor Reyes, let us be brutally honest about one thing - metro area Italian men do not know how to dress themselves. And this is coming from a guy who wore the same pair of Banana Republic khakis and a rotation of New York Rangers jerseys every day during his hopelessly celibate high school days. That said, your average Italian man from the New York/New Jersey area is caught in the vicious goomba fashion cycle in which his appearance is so derided that it almost seems as though he leaves the house in his velour track suit simply to spite those who mock him.

Brooklyn Paulie's Italian heritage means that "jorts" is written somewhere in his DNA. That, paired with the time he spent in white trash mecca Southern Florida, make him a sure favorite to show up at your Fourth of July barbecue in a wife beater and jean shorts. However there is one Met that has found a way to one up Lo Dough Boy...

Mike Pelfrey

2 to 1

...and that man is Mike Pelfrey. Seriously, this man exudes "jorts" wherever his travels may take him. We have never seen Pelfrey in jorts, so we cannot independently confirm this speculation, but there are several important factors that have led to our hypothesis. First, Mike was born in Wichita. Mike went to college in Wichita. Mike has probably never left Wichita save for college road games and to attend neighboring county fairs. And as we all know, Kansas is stuck in some kind of Midwest time warp where people believe that dinosaurs died out 600 years ago, anal sex is illegal and the flat top is a stylish hair cut. Kansans, like Palestinians, are progress resistant. They will be wearing jorts for years after the rest of white America bucks this awful, awful trend.

Additionally, Pelfrey is very tall. 6' 7" to be exact. While jorts do their best to humiliate the wearer regardless of size, they truly look their best on the very fat and the very tall. Since jorts come in a relatively standard inseam size, Mike's jorts probably end at least five inches before his knee. This is an ideal length for those hoping to optimize their jorts. The only way to top naturally short jorts would be to make homemade jorts out of a pair of Wrangler jeans whose torn knee make them no longer functional for cold weather wear, thus leading to the highly desirable shredded jort hemline.



To close, we offer a special tip of the cap to Jeff Wilpon who clearly cleaned out the "Ugly Vertically Striped Shirt" rack at Loehmans for draft day photo ops. And we thought Italian men didn't know how to dress...

After spending two hours coming up with a post about men's fashion, I will now retreat to my bedroom in an attempt to locate my balls and take comfort in the fact that none of my teams are coached by Tom Coughlin. More posts to follow as we inch closer to spring training.