Mets Bats, Aaron Heilman Collaborate To Take Sloppy Shit On Blog Writers

Associated Press
Flushing, New York

Citing an increasingly excited and mobilized fan base, the New York Mets decided to piss away their season on Thursday night at Shea Stadium. After a 97 win season and NLDS sweep of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the team decided that advancing to the World Series would be spoiling their fans. Specifically mentioned in the reason for their collapse were New York City bloggers Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes.

"We realized that winning Game 7 of the NLCS was really a lot for our fans to ask of us," said Mets GM Omar Minaya. "The fact that we got to lose at home, and against a pisspoor Cardinals team, made it that much sweeter."

After deciding that Shea needed to look like an Ohio roller derby match by issuing all fans in attendance white towels to wave around during failed rallies, the Mets made a decision at the organizational level to completely shit the bed in Game 7.

"I have to admit, I got a little nervous up in the owners box around the sixth inning," said Chief Operating Officer Jeff Wilpon. "We figured that Oliver Perez and his 6.55 regular season ERA would guarantee a blowout, but Ollie really shocked us Thursday night. I guess in the end, the tease that his outstanding performance provided made the loss that much more entertaining."

Despite Perez's four hit, one run masterpiece, Mets bats provided the limp dicked performance necessary for a soul crushing loss. Third baseman David Wright set the tone with his 4 for 25 LCS meltdown. "Yeah, I was swinging the bat pretty good this year," the All-Star starter said, "but it just wouldn't have been right if that carried over to the NLCS. I realized that giving it 110% just wasn't what I'm all about. Who needs base knocks in the gap when you have Vitamin Water photo shoots to worry about?"

Wright was not alone. Mets manager Willie Randolph also figured prominently into the equation. After Jose Valentin and Endy Chavez had consecutive base hits in the bottom of the ninth, conjuring memories of 1986 for Mets fans, Randolph decided to forego the logical move of bunting his runners over and instead opted to have hobbling leftfielder Cliff Floyd pinch hit. Said Randolph, "that crossed my mind. I won't lie. But why would I want runners on second and third with one out and two of my best contact hitters coming up?"

Completing the collective scrotum kick of Met fans was reliever Aaron Heilman. Heilman, who had performed outstandingly since set up man Duaner Sanchez was injured in a car accident over the summer, served up a two run homerun to light hitting Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina in the top of the ninth inning. "That was a great moment for me," Heilman told reporters after the game. "I mean, I wanted to ensure that Ollie's great start went for naught, and I still really want to be a starter. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than to come out a drop a giant deuce on the mound in Game 7 of the NLCS?"

Surprising to many fans and members of the press was that the Mets specifically targeted two specific fans in the loss: resident New York City bloggers Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes. According to Jay Horowitz, Vice President of Media Relations, a big part of this decision was financial. "Well, with Sasser making less than our bat boys and Reyes worrying about paying back extensive law school loans, we felt that this was really the right decision to make. Considering that those two have probably spent upwards of $6,000 on tickets since 2001, not to mention countless amounts on t-shirt jerseys and Mo Vaughn bobbleheads, losing at home in the NLCS in front of these two fans was just the tits. We're talking icing on the cake here."

Mets players echoed Horowitz's sentiment. According to veteran bench player Julio Franco, "things have been going a little too well for those guys recently." When pressed for details, Franco mentioned the recent addition of a flat screen HDTV to Reyes' living room, their celebrity status at Manhattan bar The Big Easy, and the rumor that Sasser's girlfriend recently tea bagged him.

"I mean, are you kidding me?," said centerfielder Carlos Beltran. "We really wanted to stick it to those two maricones, but tea bagging? And Reyes' upcoming law school graduation? We didn't want him to have a World Series championship behind him while he was preparing for the bar exam. Seriously, fuck those guys."

Minaya said that the Mets are confident that their strong core of young players and offseason plans to obtain a leftfielder and front line starter will guarantee that Mets fans will be sure to suffer postseason gut punches for the rest of the decade. "We did good this year. But next year we're hoping for better. Hopefully, we'll be able to make it to the World Series next year and have a bukkake party on our fans in front of a national audience. Hey, a man can dream."

John Maine Will Eat Your Children

Reigning Cy Young Award Winner? Bullshit. Chris Carpenter is not fit to eat an oatmeal raisin cookie out of John Maine's ass. John Maine, the 25 year old throw-in in the Anna Benson trade, cares not for Carpenter's seven hits and two runs over six innings. Why? Because Chris Carpenter is not badass. A badass gets on the mound in the biggest game of his career and uses his right arm to wipe those homoerotic Speizio soul patches off of an entire city of jorts clad fans.

As we speak, John Maine is perched high above the Grand Central Expressway in his room at the Ramada freebasing caviar made not from Russian salmon, but from the eggs of B-list Hollywood starlets. John Maine's shit is used as currency in most Central American nations. His style is impetuous. His defense is impregnable. He is that ferocious. Right now French women are lining up at the Clinique counter to purchase the much awaited new scent, "Eau de John Maine's Gooch." While travelling to the Great Barrier Reef between starts, John Maine tracked down the stingray that speared the Crocodile Hunter. And raped it. If given the proper resources, John Maine would most definitely help George Clooney solve that thing over there.

The Mets had to win last night. Not in a gay, "If we don't win it's over, guys!" kind of way, but because that is the way this season has gone. The Mets managed to win 97 games this year while using 13 pitchers - one of which was Jose Lima. When the season got to the point where our livelihood rested on the shoulders of a man who is barely older than us and brings his dip cup to the post game press conference, we did not flinch. Why? Because John Maine is that badass.

Why Our Team Is Better Than Yours: St. Louis Cardinals Edition

Ahhhhh, what a great morning to be American. It's beautiful outside in the City, the Yankees are in a state of complete disarray and we have the day off. You know what that means - Price is Right, mid-morning masturbation and a long overdue post on the state of our New York Mets.

As the eight of you who read this blog are well aware, the Mets handily defeated the Dodgers on Saturday night - thereby proving 7 of your favorite ESPN douchebags wrong. A special shout goes out to Sean McAdam, John Shea, Eric Karabell, Pedro Gomez, Alan Schwarz, Rob Neyer and Jim Caple who incorrectly picked EVERY SINGLE SERIES in the opening round of the MLB playoffs. This almost defies mathematic probability. If we are ever on an airplane with any of these assholes, we will be sprinting for the emergency exit as it will almost certinaly crash.

We could not feel better about this team heading into the NLCS. Despite a starting rotation that featured the number 2, 5 and 7 starters, the Mets still tittyfucked fat Tommy Lasorda and the Dodgers due to outstanding work from the bullpen and a balanced lineup that featured different players getting hot at the right time (tip of the hat to Shawn Green in Game 3). So, as Maury tries to figure out who the father really is, we will let you know why the Mets will win this series. Seriously...just ask Jim Caple.

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Yadier Molina

Paul Lo Duca has simply not stopped hitting this year. While some players crumble under the pressure of the New York media (see: Rodgriguez, Alex) Paulie has fought through a thumb injury, gambling allegations and Myspace vixens. His solid play carried over to the NLDS where he hit .455 with a .500 OBP. Molina hit a respectable .308, but his OBP was also .308. There is no reason for us to believe that Paul will stop now. Viva Lo Dough Boy.

Advantage: Mets

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Albert Pujols

For all of the hype about Nomar, the Dodgers did not have that one player who can change a game with one swing of the bat. That said, Pujols is the ONLY player on the Cardinals that actually scares us. The man is beast. Delgado actually hit better than Prince Albert during the NLDS (.429, 1 HR, 2 RBI vs. .333, 1 HR, 3 RBI). Delgado also struck out less (3 Ks vs. 4Ks), but Poo-holes is still in the Ryan Howard, Barry Bonds Pre-steroid Breakdown category of players who should be walked or pitched around whenever possible.

Advantage: Cardinals

Second Base: Jose Valentin vs. Ronnie Belliard

Has it all come crashing down on the Stache? Is his Cinderella season grinding to a premature halt? We do not think so. Despite a dismal NLDS (0 hits in 9 ABs), we are not ready to give up on Jose. Belliard had a good NLDS (6/13, 2 RBI), but he is still the player who hit .237 with 23 RBI in 54 games for the Cards this season. Plus, he looks like a total dipshit. We'll take the mustache over the cornrows.

Advantage: Mets

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. David Eckstein

Josie reverted to his '05 form during most of the NLDS, swinging at pitches that even Rey Ordonez would have layed off of, but at the end of the day, he is a much better player. Reyes hit .167 with a .286 OBP in the Dodgers series as opposed to Eckstein's .133 - .188 versus the Padres, but comparing those numbers is like reading a Special Olympics box score and claiming that the guy with Down Syndrome who finished the race in 2 hours is a better athlete than the blind guy who finished in 2 and a half. Jose's .300/19 HRs/81 RBI/64 SBs totally cockslap Eckstein's .292/2 HRs/23 RBI/7 SBs during the regular season. When all's said and done, our money is on the goyim.

Advantage: Mets


Third Base: David Wright vs. Scott Rolen

In our opinion, the torch for NL thirdbasemen was passed this year with Wright's selection as the starter for the All-Star game. While the All-Star game carries the same importance as the World Baseball Classic, which itself was about as fun as the women's bronze medal hockey showdown in the Olympics, it symbolized Wright's emergence as the premier player at the position. Rolen had an abysmal NLDS, going 1 for 11 with no RBI. Meanwhile Wright, in his first playoff appearance, batted .333 with 4 RBI. Rolen is still a solid player, but we certainly would not be shitting ourselves if he came up with two outs and runners on in the seventh.

Advantage: Mets

Rightfield: Shawn Green vs. Juan Encarnacion

Shawn Green so thoroughly stunk up rightfield at Shea during Game 1 of the NLDS that he sat in favor of Endy Chavez in Game 2. However, much as Moses led his people out of Egypt thousands of years ago, Shawn Green led the offensive attack Saturday night and delivered his team to the NLCS. Green rebounded from his heinous Game 1 performance to finish the series with a .333 average, 2 2Bs, 2 RBI and a .556 slugging percentage. Encarnacion hit .286 with a .313 OBP and .429 SLG. Look for Shawn Green to continue hitting well with the Cardinals throwing no lefties in this series.

Advantage: Mets

Centerfield: Carlos Beltran vs. Jim Edmonds

We have officially come to the conclusion that this postseason will not be a repeat of Carlos' '04 run with the Astros that warranted his $119 million contract. He hit .222 during the first round, but drew 5 walks and sported an impressive .500 OBP. Edmonds, who is years past his prime, hit .308 against the Padres, but only hit .257 with 19 HRs during the regular season. Beltran's MVP caliber regular season gives him the distinct edge over Edmonds in this head to head match up, but we're kind of hoping the Cardinals find a way to trade for Kenny Lofton during the next two days. For comedy's sake.

Advantage: Mets

Leftfield: Endy Chavez vs. Preston Wilson

According to the Daily News, Cliff Floyd is likely out for the remainder of the post season after aggravating his Achilles injury during Game 3 of the Dodgers series. The Mets will most likely add everyone's favorite thug Lastings Milledge to the roster as an extra outfielder and let Endy Chavez start in left. We are torn about this news. While Cliff showed signs of life during the NLDS, he was clearly playing in pain both in the field and on the basepath. The team is probably better served having Endy in left for the rest of the playoffs, but we love Cliff. He has been there through all of the Phillips/Duquette disasters and deserves a World Series appearance more than any other Met. That said, Endy Chavez continued his brilliant season by going 3 for 8 with a .375 OBP in a start and a half in the NLCS. Preston Wilson went 2 for 8 with the same OBP during his series with the Pads. This match up is probably a wash, but we have watched every Met game this year and Endy's knack for getting the big hit gives him the edge.

Advantage: Mets

Starting Pitching

The much maligned Mets pitching staff was phenomenal during the first round. John Maine, who lives in a Ramada in Flushing, Queens and walks to and from the stadium, had a wonderful start, surrendering only 1 run in 4.1 innings. Tom Glavine then one upped him with his 4 hitter in 6 innings in game 2. And while Trachsel looked a little shaky in LA, he is a servicable starter who matches up well with the stiffs the Cardinals will be putting on the mound. The pitching match ups for the first three games of the NLCS are as follows: Glavine vs. Weaver Game 1, Maine vs. Suppan Game 2, and Trachsel vs. Carpenter Game 3. If we were Cardinals fans, we would have a hard time taking our team seriously with Jeff Weaver on the mound for Game 1 of the NLCS. The guy seriously blows. Chris Carpenter, who was predictably solid during the NLDS, is the only pitcher that makes us nervous going into this series. The fact that the Cardinals are scheduled to pitch three or four marginal right handed pitchers against the Mets gives the Mets a decided advantage.

Advantage: Mets

Bullpen

As expected, the best bullpen in baseball played like it during the NLDS. In 13.1 innings, Mets relievers gave up 8 runs and recorded two of the three wins for the series. Perhaps most importantly, Billy Wagner showed that his meltdown against the Yankees this summer was an isolated incident and that he is capable of nailing down wins on the big stage. The Cardinals bullpen was also solid during their NLDS series, but they have one glaring flaw that almost guarantees a series loss: Braden Looper is in their bullpen. Couple that with the fact that they do not have a real closer and it makes the bullpen breakdown a slam dunk for the Mets.

Advantage: Mets

Perhaps it was for the best that the "experts" at the World Wide Leader trashed the Mets starters prior to the NLDS. The Mets certainly were not the underdogs going into the Dodgers series, but it was much more fun to watch them shock everyone who had not watched them play on a regular basis this season. We feel good about this team, and perhaps there is no better testament to the importance of having a good clubhouse than the fact that the Mets have advanced while the Yankees are trying clean up the steaming pile of dog shit currently enveloping the Bronx. The Mets are finally the only baseball team in New York and we couldn't be happier.

Why Our Team Is Better Than Yours: Los Angeles Dodgers Edition

We have known since, oh, about mid-June that the Mets were going to be in the playoffs. What we did not know at that time was how much the rest of the National League blew. Now that the dust has finally settled in the NL West and the Mets have drawn the powerhouse that is the Los Angeles Dodgers, it is time to bring you the official Out In The Wilderness NLDS preview.

Unlike other baseball sites and blogs, we are not here to tell you why each one of these teams could win this series. As Tom Singer of MLB.com writes, one of the reasons that the Dodgers will win this series is because "It's their town. They'll just hire better scriptwriters." Wow. It's gay previews like this that inspire us to bring slightly less gay breakdowns of our own. We will not waver. We will flop our nuts on the table in a display of unbridled confidence and declare the Mets the winner of this series. Here is why:

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Russel Martin

We were a little wary when the Mets traded for Paul Lo Duca this past offseason. After coming to grips with the fact that Mike Piazza would no longer be frosting his tips in the Mets clubhouse, we assumed that Omar would go out and get a good defensive catcher who could hit too. After making a half-assed attempt to land Ramon Hernandez and one of the Molinas, the Mets plucked Brooklyn Paulie from the sinking, flaming sewage barge that passes for a professional baseball team in Miami. Since then he has been one of the most consistent Mets and has served as an ideal 2 hitter, despite the fact that he might lose to Mo Vaughn in a foot race.

Martin's power numbers are slightly better than Lo Duca's (10 HR, 65 RBI vs. 5 HR, 49 RBI) and they have identical OBPs (.355), however we'll take Paulie's BA (.318), hits (163) and strikeout ratio (once every 13 ABs) over Martin's .282, 117 and 1 strikeout per 7 ABs. Defensively they are comparable as well, with Martin throwing out 32 would be basestealers (31%) and Lo Dough Boy gunning down 27 (24%).

On paper, you could make an argument for either of these catchers. But in the playoffs, on stages set in New York and LA, we'll take the guy who has a sac so large that he cheats on his Playboy model wife with some dumpy Italian girls from Long Island because he KNOWS he'll come across some better poon once he is a World Series champion. Plus, Martin is a rookie. And Canadian. You lose motherfucker!

Advantage: Mets

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Jeff Kent

If all had gone as planned for the Dodgers, this breakdown would be Carlos Delgado vs. Nomar, however the Daily News is reporting that Nomar is injured, forcing LA to shift Kent to first and play Julio Lugo at second. Now, we have not really given a shit about Jeff Kent ever since he "fell off his truck while washing it," but after looking at his numbers for the season, we are thoroughly unimpressed. Kent batted a respectable .292, but he only hit 14 home runs with 68 RBI this year. Even if Kent were the secondbaseman, he would still get mushroom stamped by the mighty Jose Valentin. Putting him against Carlos Delgado is just unfair. And, by the way, there is no fucking way Nomar is "Comeback Player of the Year." More on that later.

Advantage: Mets

Second Base: Jose Valentin vs. Julio Lugo

For the last two years, we Met fans have been hearing rumors about Julio Lugo. After Julio successfully defecated on Big Mackey's fantasy team last year, we failed to see what all the hype was about. We guess when you play in Tampa, even marginally good players get overvalued. In 49 games with LA this year, Lugo is hitting a whopping .219, has hit 0 dongs and knocked in a paltry 10 runs. Meanwhile, the Stache is hitting .271 with 18 homers (!) and 62 RBI, all the while making $4 million less. Throw in Jose's playoff experience and slick fielding (.988 fielding percentage vs. Lugo's .875 with the Dodgers) and you have a clear winner at second.

Advantage: Mets

Does everyone named Jose Valentin have a sweet mustache? We think so!

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. Rafael Furcal

Furcal is probably the best all around player on the Dodgers, but we are still giving this one to the Mets. Tom Singer, the same d-bag who thinks the Dodgers can win this series because they have come from behind all year (which to us would imply that they are shitty and always losing after 5 innings) declared LA to have the advantage at short. While Furcal has had a more than acceptable year, Reyes matches or beats him in almost every significant statistical category. Both hit .300, and Reyes wins in HRs (19 - 15), RBI (81 - 63), triples (17 - 9), OPS (.841 - .814), stolen bases (64 - 37) and strikeouts (81 - 98). Reyes is also having a better year in the field (.971 fielding % vs. .966). He is without a doubt the most entertaining player to watch in baseball and makes $8 million less than Furcal. Tom Singer can lick our balls.

Advantage: Mets

Third Base: David Wright vs. Wilson Betemit

This is hardly worth breaking down. Betemit is not an awful player, but he has hit .241 since joining the Dodgers with 9 homeruns and 24 RBI. Starting NL All-Star thirdbaseman David Wright, while slumping for about two months, merely hit .311 with 26 HRs with 113 RBI and added 20 steals. We're not gay, but we are willing to bet that even our moms would be happy if we brought home D. Wright.

Advantage: Mets

Dave Wright...a true man of the people.

Rightfield: Shawn Green vs. J.D. Drew

If there is a G-d, he is most certainly going to smite us for picking Drew, especially during Yom Kippur, but we will give this one to the Dodgers. He is grossly overpaid, went to Florida State (eww) and will forever be a douche for the whole signing holdout fiasco, but the fact of the matter is his numbers this year are superior. L'chaim.

Advantage: Dodgers

Centerfield: Carlos Beltran vs. Perennial Clubhouse Cancer Kenny Lofton

Really? Kenny Lofton? Next matchup, please.

Advantage: Mets

Leftfield: Cliff Floyd vs. Andre Ethier

AAA callup Andre Ethier put up very respectable numbers (.308, 11 HRs, 55 RBI) in 126 games for LA this year, while in New York, Cliff Floyd's Achilles played the Ike to his body's Tina, beating him mercilessly all year. Cliff still managed to put up 11 HRs and 44 RBI in only 97 games, but he was a shadow of his '05 self this year. Endy Chavez, who has been incredible this year, also figures to see significant playing time in left, but we cannot in good conscience claim that Cliff Floyd gives the Mets an "advantage" right now. He is still a presence in the lineup, but we'll give this one to the Dodgers.

Advantage: Dodgers

Starting Pitching

Many in the mainstream media - or more specifically the hacks at ESPN - have overblown the fact that Pedro Martinez will be out for the entire playoffs. What people who have not followed the Mets all year fail to realize is that Pedro has been virtually a non-factor all year (the Mets were 11-12 in games he started). His clubhouse presence is invaluable and he has done more to make this team relevant again than Steve Phillips and Jim Duquette could ever have hoped to have done, but on the mound he has been far from the ace the Mets paid him to be. The Mets found ways to win with Dave Williams, Oliver Perez and John Maine all year, while posting the second lowest team ERA in the NL, and they will continue to find ways to win in the postseason.

The first three games of this series will feature El Duque, Tom Glavine and Steve Trachsel against Derek Lowe, Hong-Chih Kuo and Greg Maddux. We feel that these six pitchers match up well, with Glavine having a slight edge over Maddux in the battle of the not quite washed up former Atlanta pitchers, and Lowe and El Duque both have postseason experience (Duque is 9-3 with a 2.55 ERA). Kuo, besides embarrassing the Mets earlier in the season, comes into this series with a 1-5 record and a 4.22 ERA. We are confident that there is no way the Mets can continue to suck as badly as they have against young lefthanded pitchers. If the Mets have the lead in the series going into Game 4, they are most likely going to start John Maine, who has had a very solid season (6-5, 3.60 ERA) and has given us reason to forgive Omar for the Jorge Julio trade. The fact that the Mets have two starters slated for the NLDS as a result of the Julio/Benson trades proves that Omar is nothing short of a genius. Eat shit Anna Benson.

Advantage: Wash

Bullpen

The Mets biggest strength all season has been the bullpen. When leading after six innings the Mets winning percentage is .865 and when leading after seven, .895 - both tops in the NL. In the pen for this series will be Aaron Heilman, Chad Bradford, Darren Oliver, Guillermo Mota, Roberto "Senor Smoke" Hernandez, Pedro Feliciano and Billy Wagner. We could not be happier. Wagner is the closer the Mets have been missing since the pre-John Franco Mob Tickets days, Mota has rediscovered himself as a power pitching set up man and Aaron Heilman has continued to pitch well since Duaner Sanchez went down.

In our opinion, the only notable Dodgers in their pen are set up man Jonathan Broxton and closer Takashi Saito. And as good as they are, Takashi is 36 years old. And Asian. We'll take Senor Smoke and the Sandman.

Advantage: Mets

Manager: Willie Randolph vs. Grady Little

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! Wait, Grady Little is back in the playoffs? You are busting our balls, right? What happened to Jim Tracy? The only thing Grady's got going for him this time around is that Maddux removes himself from games after about 4 2/3.

Advantage: Mets

As you can see, the Mets clearly dominate almost every aspect of this NLDS matchup. They have power, speed, relief pitching and Latinos. If this is not a recipe for success, we don't know what is. Plus, do you know anyone from Los Angeles who isn't a tremendous douchebag? Yeah, we don't either.