Why Our Team Is Better Than Yours: Los Angeles Dodgers Edition

We have known since, oh, about mid-June that the Mets were going to be in the playoffs. What we did not know at that time was how much the rest of the National League blew. Now that the dust has finally settled in the NL West and the Mets have drawn the powerhouse that is the Los Angeles Dodgers, it is time to bring you the official Out In The Wilderness NLDS preview.

Unlike other baseball sites and blogs, we are not here to tell you why each one of these teams could win this series. As Tom Singer of MLB.com writes, one of the reasons that the Dodgers will win this series is because "It's their town. They'll just hire better scriptwriters." Wow. It's gay previews like this that inspire us to bring slightly less gay breakdowns of our own. We will not waver. We will flop our nuts on the table in a display of unbridled confidence and declare the Mets the winner of this series. Here is why:

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Russel Martin

We were a little wary when the Mets traded for Paul Lo Duca this past offseason. After coming to grips with the fact that Mike Piazza would no longer be frosting his tips in the Mets clubhouse, we assumed that Omar would go out and get a good defensive catcher who could hit too. After making a half-assed attempt to land Ramon Hernandez and one of the Molinas, the Mets plucked Brooklyn Paulie from the sinking, flaming sewage barge that passes for a professional baseball team in Miami. Since then he has been one of the most consistent Mets and has served as an ideal 2 hitter, despite the fact that he might lose to Mo Vaughn in a foot race.

Martin's power numbers are slightly better than Lo Duca's (10 HR, 65 RBI vs. 5 HR, 49 RBI) and they have identical OBPs (.355), however we'll take Paulie's BA (.318), hits (163) and strikeout ratio (once every 13 ABs) over Martin's .282, 117 and 1 strikeout per 7 ABs. Defensively they are comparable as well, with Martin throwing out 32 would be basestealers (31%) and Lo Dough Boy gunning down 27 (24%).

On paper, you could make an argument for either of these catchers. But in the playoffs, on stages set in New York and LA, we'll take the guy who has a sac so large that he cheats on his Playboy model wife with some dumpy Italian girls from Long Island because he KNOWS he'll come across some better poon once he is a World Series champion. Plus, Martin is a rookie. And Canadian. You lose motherfucker!

Advantage: Mets

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Jeff Kent

If all had gone as planned for the Dodgers, this breakdown would be Carlos Delgado vs. Nomar, however the Daily News is reporting that Nomar is injured, forcing LA to shift Kent to first and play Julio Lugo at second. Now, we have not really given a shit about Jeff Kent ever since he "fell off his truck while washing it," but after looking at his numbers for the season, we are thoroughly unimpressed. Kent batted a respectable .292, but he only hit 14 home runs with 68 RBI this year. Even if Kent were the secondbaseman, he would still get mushroom stamped by the mighty Jose Valentin. Putting him against Carlos Delgado is just unfair. And, by the way, there is no fucking way Nomar is "Comeback Player of the Year." More on that later.

Advantage: Mets

Second Base: Jose Valentin vs. Julio Lugo

For the last two years, we Met fans have been hearing rumors about Julio Lugo. After Julio successfully defecated on Big Mackey's fantasy team last year, we failed to see what all the hype was about. We guess when you play in Tampa, even marginally good players get overvalued. In 49 games with LA this year, Lugo is hitting a whopping .219, has hit 0 dongs and knocked in a paltry 10 runs. Meanwhile, the Stache is hitting .271 with 18 homers (!) and 62 RBI, all the while making $4 million less. Throw in Jose's playoff experience and slick fielding (.988 fielding percentage vs. Lugo's .875 with the Dodgers) and you have a clear winner at second.

Advantage: Mets

Does everyone named Jose Valentin have a sweet mustache? We think so!

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. Rafael Furcal

Furcal is probably the best all around player on the Dodgers, but we are still giving this one to the Mets. Tom Singer, the same d-bag who thinks the Dodgers can win this series because they have come from behind all year (which to us would imply that they are shitty and always losing after 5 innings) declared LA to have the advantage at short. While Furcal has had a more than acceptable year, Reyes matches or beats him in almost every significant statistical category. Both hit .300, and Reyes wins in HRs (19 - 15), RBI (81 - 63), triples (17 - 9), OPS (.841 - .814), stolen bases (64 - 37) and strikeouts (81 - 98). Reyes is also having a better year in the field (.971 fielding % vs. .966). He is without a doubt the most entertaining player to watch in baseball and makes $8 million less than Furcal. Tom Singer can lick our balls.

Advantage: Mets

Third Base: David Wright vs. Wilson Betemit

This is hardly worth breaking down. Betemit is not an awful player, but he has hit .241 since joining the Dodgers with 9 homeruns and 24 RBI. Starting NL All-Star thirdbaseman David Wright, while slumping for about two months, merely hit .311 with 26 HRs with 113 RBI and added 20 steals. We're not gay, but we are willing to bet that even our moms would be happy if we brought home D. Wright.

Advantage: Mets

Dave Wright...a true man of the people.

Rightfield: Shawn Green vs. J.D. Drew

If there is a G-d, he is most certainly going to smite us for picking Drew, especially during Yom Kippur, but we will give this one to the Dodgers. He is grossly overpaid, went to Florida State (eww) and will forever be a douche for the whole signing holdout fiasco, but the fact of the matter is his numbers this year are superior. L'chaim.

Advantage: Dodgers

Centerfield: Carlos Beltran vs. Perennial Clubhouse Cancer Kenny Lofton

Really? Kenny Lofton? Next matchup, please.

Advantage: Mets

Leftfield: Cliff Floyd vs. Andre Ethier

AAA callup Andre Ethier put up very respectable numbers (.308, 11 HRs, 55 RBI) in 126 games for LA this year, while in New York, Cliff Floyd's Achilles played the Ike to his body's Tina, beating him mercilessly all year. Cliff still managed to put up 11 HRs and 44 RBI in only 97 games, but he was a shadow of his '05 self this year. Endy Chavez, who has been incredible this year, also figures to see significant playing time in left, but we cannot in good conscience claim that Cliff Floyd gives the Mets an "advantage" right now. He is still a presence in the lineup, but we'll give this one to the Dodgers.

Advantage: Dodgers

Starting Pitching

Many in the mainstream media - or more specifically the hacks at ESPN - have overblown the fact that Pedro Martinez will be out for the entire playoffs. What people who have not followed the Mets all year fail to realize is that Pedro has been virtually a non-factor all year (the Mets were 11-12 in games he started). His clubhouse presence is invaluable and he has done more to make this team relevant again than Steve Phillips and Jim Duquette could ever have hoped to have done, but on the mound he has been far from the ace the Mets paid him to be. The Mets found ways to win with Dave Williams, Oliver Perez and John Maine all year, while posting the second lowest team ERA in the NL, and they will continue to find ways to win in the postseason.

The first three games of this series will feature El Duque, Tom Glavine and Steve Trachsel against Derek Lowe, Hong-Chih Kuo and Greg Maddux. We feel that these six pitchers match up well, with Glavine having a slight edge over Maddux in the battle of the not quite washed up former Atlanta pitchers, and Lowe and El Duque both have postseason experience (Duque is 9-3 with a 2.55 ERA). Kuo, besides embarrassing the Mets earlier in the season, comes into this series with a 1-5 record and a 4.22 ERA. We are confident that there is no way the Mets can continue to suck as badly as they have against young lefthanded pitchers. If the Mets have the lead in the series going into Game 4, they are most likely going to start John Maine, who has had a very solid season (6-5, 3.60 ERA) and has given us reason to forgive Omar for the Jorge Julio trade. The fact that the Mets have two starters slated for the NLDS as a result of the Julio/Benson trades proves that Omar is nothing short of a genius. Eat shit Anna Benson.

Advantage: Wash

Bullpen

The Mets biggest strength all season has been the bullpen. When leading after six innings the Mets winning percentage is .865 and when leading after seven, .895 - both tops in the NL. In the pen for this series will be Aaron Heilman, Chad Bradford, Darren Oliver, Guillermo Mota, Roberto "Senor Smoke" Hernandez, Pedro Feliciano and Billy Wagner. We could not be happier. Wagner is the closer the Mets have been missing since the pre-John Franco Mob Tickets days, Mota has rediscovered himself as a power pitching set up man and Aaron Heilman has continued to pitch well since Duaner Sanchez went down.

In our opinion, the only notable Dodgers in their pen are set up man Jonathan Broxton and closer Takashi Saito. And as good as they are, Takashi is 36 years old. And Asian. We'll take Senor Smoke and the Sandman.

Advantage: Mets

Manager: Willie Randolph vs. Grady Little

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! Wait, Grady Little is back in the playoffs? You are busting our balls, right? What happened to Jim Tracy? The only thing Grady's got going for him this time around is that Maddux removes himself from games after about 4 2/3.

Advantage: Mets

As you can see, the Mets clearly dominate almost every aspect of this NLDS matchup. They have power, speed, relief pitching and Latinos. If this is not a recipe for success, we don't know what is. Plus, do you know anyone from Los Angeles who isn't a tremendous douchebag? Yeah, we don't either.