Rocket, Back On The Juice; Suzyn Waldman Spontaneously Orgasms

Roger Clemens is back, and not a moment too soon for Yankee fans! Hooray! How any Yankee fan could be excited about this is beyond me. Let's quickly look at the myriad problems with the "Roger Clemens Is Back In The Bronx" disaster that has been dumped in our laps like an unwanted baby is tossed in a dumpster in the South Bronx:

1) Signings like this are exactly the type of personnel decision that have left the Yankees in the current state they are in (14-16, tied with the D-Rays). As a Mets fan, I was willing to accept the fact that the Mets might struggle for a bit while they tried to develop guys like Oliver Perez, John Maine, Mike Pelfrey, etc., but I was happy because at least they were moving away from the "patch together a rotation with fading stars" bullshit that had been their M.O. since the mid 90s. The Yankees are moving the complete opposite direction - older, frailer and more overpaid.

2) Roger Clemens is a huge asshole. He is a gigantic Texas redneck with an even bigger ego. And he will now be joining a team of other hired guns with comparably enormous egos. Well, joining them at home games. If he feels like it. Apparently the Yankees value team chemistry as much as I value exercise and a balanced diet (I'd take a digital picture of my lovehandles to prove my point, but I don't want to get off the couch).

3) This signing really is not going to have that big of an impact on the Yankees' season. I'd elaborate, but Rumors and Rants does a much better job for me right here. Perhaps the Yanks should look for a closer who they can tender a $28 million pro-rated contract to.

4) Yankees fans, they keep crawlin' back. Any Yankee fan who cheered as Roger Clemens all but rode into the owner's box on a white horse on Sunday should be publicly flogged. That man is what Jennifer Lopez would look like if she were a juiced up Texas meathead. Cheering for him after he pulled his "maybe I will, maybe I won't" routine for an entire spring is like kicking your husband out after he beats you and then throwing an ice cream party for the bastard when he decides to come back home.

5) Clemens is set to make his first start during the first week of June, according to crying little jerkoff Yankees G.M. Brian Cashman. That's kind of funny, because as a Mets fan, I have a player of mine rejoining the team during the first week of June. What was his name...big dude...kind of a dick...ummmm - Oh yeah! Guiellermo Mota! The same Guiellermo Mota who got caught for steroids and suspended for 50 games under the new, relatively ineffective MLB drug testing policy! This reeks of a cover up. Bud Selig, baseball commissioner and known douchebag, most certainly suspended Mota during the first wave of random drug testing in order to prove that the new testing is "working," while telling Roger to lay low for a few months in order to protect the legacy of one of the better pitchers of our generation. Total. Bullshit.

6) The Yankees now have a thirdbaseman who wears purple lipstick, a shortstop with a flattop and a grown man who frosts his tips. This is not a pennant contender. This is a really shitty boy band.



Lance Bass's bigger, gayer brother.

7) I am not a skilled enough writer to put in to words how absurd Suzyn Waldman's reaction to this announcement was. Enjoy. (via "Yes Joe, It's Toasted")



This woman makes Fran Healy sound goooooooood.

So in conclusion - enjoy, Yankees fans, for you have added one more expensive, selfish rent-a-star to your already bloated payroll.