Boo This Man

Yes, boo him. Scream "Down in front!" Throw shit at him. Expose your scrotum in the background when people ask him to pose for pictures with them, for Cow-Bell Man is the biggest fraud at Shea Stadium.

I have been going to Mets games since 1987, but I don't really have any specific memories of being in the Stadium until around 1989. Throughout my Mets career, there have been many memorable characters I have enjoyed meeting and seeing at Shea. The two scalpers we used to sell some of our season tickets to who had a business card they passed out with only their first names on it. The guy that sat field level wearing a suit and a Lone Ranger mask. The lady that sat behind home plate with all the doofy hats and made weird hand gestures. These people were great because they great characters, but weren't schticky - they were memorable for being who they are.

Cow-Bell Man, on the other hand, is one of the most loathsome motherfuckers a fan of a professional sports team can encounter. Cow-Bell Man is the A-Rod of fans - a true "24 + 1" guy. Most fans are content going to the stadium and cheering hard for their team. But not Cow-Bell Man. No, sir. He needs to walk around Shea in his customized jersey making a racket with an obnoxious fucking instrument. Even if your kid had Down Syndrome, you would probably only let it walk around your house smacking a cowbell for about 45 minutes before you pull the plug. This asshole does it for the entire game.

Everyone knows someone like this from high school: abrasive, grating personality, thinks they're cooler than they really are, probably went on to pursue some vapid acting career because they are so in love with themselves and love the spotlight. It would have been fine with me if Cow-Bell Man were to pursue commercial gigs on Telemundo, but no. He has to let all of Shea know that he is the #1 fan.

What disgusts me about Cow-Bell Man, besides the blatant misspelling of the word "cowbell," is that he takes away from the game in order to feed his massive Puerto Rican ego. Naturally, fans of all ages and intensity levels are going to come to Shea. But that doesn't mean these people aren't terribly annoying. You know the people I'm talking about. The one's more concerned with starting the wave than the fact that their team has two runners in scoring position, down by one. The one's doing annoying shit in order to get on the big screen. Any New York fan who participates in a "Sweet Caroline" sing-a-long. I have encountered similar fans in my New York sports career. The "Freddy Sez" douchebag at Yankee Stadium. The Jets' Firefighter Ed (who I like, by the way). "Dancin' Larry," who is affectionately known as "Homo Larry" in my section of the 400s at MSG.

With Firefighter Ed excluded, I have noticed a primarily negative reaction to these "Super Fans." A real fan doesn't need some jerkoff who has appointed himself the "#1 Fan" to get them excited. Especially when that fan may have other intentions than simply rooting for their team.

"Big Mackey Sasser," you ask, "are you implying that there might be more to Cow-Bell Douche than meets the eye?"

Yes, indeed I am. At a New York Rangers game at the Garden earlier this year, I was going to take a piss in the 400 level and saw none other than Cow-Bell Man leaning against the railing having a conversation with someone (come to think of it, it might have been Homo Larry). How did I know it was Cow-Bell Man? Because the asshole was wearing his custom made Mets jersey at a hockey game. Anyway, the snippet of the conversation that I overheard was as follows:

Rangers Fan (possibly Homo Larry): "So have the Mets given you season tickets yet?"

Cow-Bell Man: "No man, it's fucking ridiculous."

Ridiculous? That the Mets won't give $4,000 worth of tickets to someone who probably couldn't name everyone in the bullpen because he is too concerned with making noise during the game? Really?

Fuck you Cow-Bell Man.

In closing, I would like to implore everyone who attends a game at Shea this year, whether they are a fan of the Mets or not: BOO COW-BELL MAN. Do not take pictures with him. Do not feed his ego. Do not think that he represents Mets fans. He is but a pimple on the ass of Shea Stadium, and hopefully as the Shea Era ends in 2009, so with it goes the cowbell.

Does This Mean He'll Be Deleting His Myspace Page?

Perhaps the best quote out of Mets camp, like, ever:

Lastings Milledge on why he has sheared off his trademark dreadlocks:

"Gotta get my grown man on."

I remember telling that to my mom when she caught me trimming my enormous pube bush
over the kitchen garbage can when I was in ninth grade.

Click here to view the official myspace page of "DA Edge."

In Defense of Pedro

Misunderstood genius? Decrepit bust? Odd looking skinny man who reeks of mangoes? Since the spring of 2005, our Yankee fan/bitter Red Sox fan/Met hating friends have been telling us how shitty an idea it was to offer Pedro Martinez a four year contract. "He's too old." "He's washed up." "He'll break down after a year." I mean, how fucking ridicul - oh. Wait, shit. Well, fine - the inevitable Pedro rotator cuff/calf (calf?!?) blowout occurred earlier than we thought during last year's playoff run, but Petey's playing ability was not the driving force behind the signing in the first place. While we do not speak for all Mets fans, we like to think that those in the know are like us, and can appreciate that Omar Minaya's signing of Pedro was not about overpaying for an aging ace, but rather resurrecting a franchise.

It is no coincidence that the Mets' resurgence is tied almost directly to the day they signed Pedro. Except for heartthrobs All-Stars David Wright and Jose Reyes, the current collection of Mets are the direct result of the chain reaction started by Pedro. Carlos Beltran signed with the Mets because of Pedro. Carlos Delgado signed with the Mets (eventually) because of Pedro and Beltran. Billy Wagner, Paul Lo Duca, Moises Alou and others followed suit.

Not only that, but other Latinos decided that, because of Pedro, they now loved the Mets too. Twenty-one year old prospect Carlos Gomez, who by all accounts is the fucking bomb, has said that he signed with the Mets because of Pedro. Since they do not have professional teams of their own to root for, Latin American fans tend to follow whatever team their favorite players are playing for. Omar has been able to exploit the fickleness of his fellow Dominicans by opening baseball academies in the Dominican to reap the bounties that the beautiful country has to offer: middle infielders and lanky pitchers. Al Leiter certainly did not have this kind of pull.

Besides this obvious organizational impact, Pedro's numbers compared to pitchers with similar contracts are actually pretty good. For example:

Gil Meche

The Royals, of all teams, rewarded this stiff with an $11 million per year contract for having a "breakout" season with the Mariners last year: 11-8, 4.48 ERA, 24 HRs allowed. This contract makes Mo Vaughn seem like a bargain.

A.J. Burnett

Remember when he was considered really good? Yeah, we don't either. Over the last three years he's 29-26 with a high 3s ERA. We guess in Canada those numbers are good enough for $12 million per year over last four years of his contract.

Carl Pavano

This is kind of a dick inclusion, but the Carl Pavano Era in the Bronx should be enough to keep Pedro's name out of Yankees fans' mouths until Pavano is dead. Not only did he not pitch last year, but Pavano totally blows, save for his '04 season with the Marlins. He's 61-64 for his career with a 4.27 ERA. And anyone who thinks that he has anything left in the tank to justify $10 million, $11 million and $13 million contracts he has coming to him over the next three years is just an asshole.

Pedro will be back at some point this year. Or in time for the playoffs. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Pedro has already done enough for this franchise. We hope for a quick return, but in the meantime, may all his mangoes taste like Scarlett Johansson's vagina.