Grading The Mets At Bat Songs

Since our beloved Metropolitans have been taking a figurative dump on the heads of Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes over the last few weeks, we have been forced to dig deeper into the minutiae of each and every game in order to entertain you, our six readers. As two brothers with an abundance of soul, we feel over qualified to bring you our evaluation of the songs that get our Mets pumped to go 0-3 with a walk against the Washington Nationals.

Paul Lo Duca

"Boogie Shoes" by KC and the Sunshine Band, "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.

We feel comfortable combining both of these songs, as they both equally blow. Perhaps these "jams" help Paulie channel his inner 1970s guido, when the girls he was banging were actually his age. We certainly cannot complain considering how well he's been hitting this year, but this shit makes us cringe every time number 16 waddles up to the plate.

Grade: D+

David Wright

"Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys

Back in eighth grade when we were just starting to sprout pubes, The Beastie Boys were the tits. When Licensed to Ill dropped in 1986, the B-Boys were still in their prime, what with their songs degrading women and gigantic inflatable penises on stage during shows. We wonder if David, who looks like the kind of wholesome kid who was always the designated driver in high school, has any clue that a Brass Monkey is the name of a cocktail containing 3 parts malt liquor and one part Sunny D. Either way, it's a fucking dope song.

Grade: A-

"We Right Here" by DMX

Our boy usually plays in his third at bat of the game. While Dark Man X has gotten progressively shittier over the past years, perhaps attributable to his penchant for crashing cars through gates at Kennedy airport, this song gets it sufficiently crunk at Shea. Much like when "My Niggas" comes on in Any Given Sunday, we can't help but get juiced when X, and in turn the Mets, announce "we not goin' ANY WHERE...we RIGHT HERE" in the bottom of the seventh. Grammar be damned.

Grade: B+

(Note: This song would have received a higher grade had David picked it out himself. This is undoubtedly the work of Cliff Floyd.)

Shawn Green

"Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band

We were slightly taken aback the first time we were at Shea when Green came up to this song. While we like Shawn, he looks like he is having about as much fun on the field as a prisoner at Dachau. He strikes us as the kind of guy who should come up to Nine Inch Nails or some depressing emo anthem. Most of the people who attend Dave Matthews concerts deserve to be Maced and given forced haircuts, but this is one of the Dave songs we actually like. It makes us feel like we are back on our finely manicured liberal arts college campus for a brief moment instead of at a cockfight in San Juan.

Grade: B

Cliff Floyd

Sanford and Son theme song

For years, Cliff has been our favorite player as far as at bat music goes. Cliffy has always been on the cutting edge of hip hop. During the '03 and '04 seasons, he would come up to songs that you could only find on mix tapes bought from the bootleggers on Canal Street. Even this year, he had been coming up to "Put 'Em In Their Place," probably the best song from Mobb Deep's otherwise forgettable Blood Money album. But...for whatever reason...Cliff now comes up to the theme song from Sanford and Son. We have yet to figure out the connection. If any of our readers know the answer to this, please let us know as soon as possible. We really do not have much love for Sanford and Son aside from the fact that it ushered black situational comedies into America's living rooms and helped to drive those honky motherfuckers the Brady's off the air.

Grade: C-

(UPDATE: We have been informed by one of our astute readers, who wishes to remain nameless due to his involvement in the slaying of Busta Rhymes' bodyguard, that Cliff plays this song because he used to watch Sanford and Son as a kid and this song makes him feel comfortable at the plate. Apparently, this song does not have the same effect on Cliff's achilles.)

Ramon Castro

Star Wars theme song

Why he comes up to this song we still do not know. Perhaps there is a connection between Ramon's gigantic gourd and the Death Star? It doesn't really matter. We fucking hate Star Wars.

Grade: F

Julio Franco

"People Get Ready Jesus Is Coming" by Crystal Lewis

Ok, as deeply, deeply disturbed as we are by this song, we have to admit that it is kind of catchy. Here at Out In The Wilderness we fully support a persons right to choose whichever religion
they'd like (Islam excluded. Fuckers.), however we cannot help but shake the feeling that most Christians are batshit crazy. However, if Jesus is what it is going to take to keep Julio alive through the 2012 season, which we believe when his contract with the Mets is up, then more power to him.

Grade: D


Blatantly absent in this empirical breakdown of Mets at bat songs are all of the songs attributed to hispanic players. Frankly, we do not care much for this music and haven't the first fucking clue what any of it means. Shit, we thought thought that that one Daddy Yankee song was about fueling up your '96 Cavalier when its actually about some Latina swallowing a Peter North sized load. This kind of confusion can bring nothing good to Out In The Wilderness. But hey, as long as the chuby Dominicanas with the basketball hoop sized earrings can shake their ass to it in the mezzanine, we're all for it.

More Italians Love The Mets

As if it weren't enough to have A-list celebrities like Matthew Broderick and Larry King's wife rooting the Mets on this post season, the Daily News broke a monstrous scoop today: walking meatball John Gotti, Jr., against the Dapper Don's wishes, is a huge Mets fan. Italian American Met fans haven't been this proud since the Mets offered Digiorno Pizza posters on "Italian Heritage Night" featuring pictures of Mike Piazza, John Franco and Bobby V.

"And We Say.....Shoot Me In The Balls!"

Wanting to outdo themselves after the Baha Men recorded the smash hit of the 2000 World Series run, "Who Let The Mets Out," Z100 has recently released the new Mets anthem by Lucas Prata. Yes, Lucas Prata. The fat gavone you see on the left of this post. As you can tell from the scantily clad guidettes and shots of Lucas wearing a sleeveless t-shirt while sporting a fauxhawk, he knows how to fucking party. As I am writing this at 9:41 p.m., Luc P. is currently on myspace. How do I know this? Because the spinning Batman logo on his page tells me so!

Apparently the Mets were not embarassed enough by the "Our Team, Our Time" debacle, which I believe was a collabo between Carlton Banks and Jay Horowitz, to squash this song. Do the Mets really want to attract more people from Long Island to their games?

I need to go to the gym now and work on my delts so that I do not injure myself while fist pumping at the next Mets home game. Oh, and if you find yourself in the mecca that is Farmingdale, New York on October 8th, make sure you stop by ICE for teen night and you can catch Lucas rocking out. Hard.

9 Things We Would Do If We Were Fred Wilpon

1. Shitcan the Shea D.J.

As I watched Cliff Floyd corral the final out of Tuesday's game, thus cementing the Mets' season long raping and pillaging of the admittedly weak National League, I would be lying if I said that the song choice to celebrate an 18 year divisional championship drought did not sully my mood. As any one who has been to Shea this year can tell you, the Mets inexplicably continue to play "Takin' Care of Business" after wins. Awesome. Nothing screams "fun" like a religious Canadian rock band that was popular in the '70s. I understand that there are certain stadium classics that we will always have to hear, but hearing this song after a big win is about as much fun as a wet fart.

The Mets have also added a fun new feature this season that takes place in the latter innings of the game. The Shea announcer gets on the PA and asks everyone to join in a sing along. Not an awful idea, but in true Mets form, the execution falls flat. The two songs I have heard repeatedly this year? "Sweet Caroline" and "Livin' on a Prayer." I'll tell you, nothing gets me more juiced for the end of a Mets game than hearing the respective theme songs of the Boston Red Sox and Jersey meatheads getting ready to go out and paint Belmar red.

The Mets need to immediately hire someone born after 1975, preferably black, to update the Shea playlist. The one thing I'll give them credit for though is playing "Torn" after a loss. Something about equating a Mets loss with a nude, emotionally destroyed woman feels delightfully misogynistic.

2. Decent Championship Gear

I am pretty sure that this stuff comes directly from MLB and they just slap a Mets logo on it, but the freshly released "NL East Champion" apparel is downright heinous. The 3/4 sleeve shirt that you saw Heath Bell's love handles bulging out of is actually made by Lee. As in Lee dungarees. I thought the only people who still rocked this shit were middle aged men fond of the cockpouch look. Not cool.


3. No More Japanese Players

I cannot stress this enough. This first came to head when I called into the Schmooz during my sophomore year of college to rail against Satoru Komiyama, aka The Japanese Greg Maddux. I was also one of the first people in the Northeast to express outrage at the Kaz Matsui signing. From Masato Yoshii to Tsuyoshi Shinjo (who, by the way, has returned to Japan to pursue his true dream of releasing nude photos of himself) to Hideo Nomo, the Mets and the Japanese just cannot get it right and continue to give my dad reason to make the obligatory, "This must be their way of geting back at us for Hiroshima" joke every time we go to Shea.

Now, I am by no means a xenophobe, but for fucks sake, STOP SIGNING JAPANESE PLAYERS. It's not that they are awful players (Kaz excluded) but they have inflated stats from hitting against star pitchers such as, oh, Masato Yoshii, and command outrageously expensive contracts when they make the jump to America.

4. Retire Some Numbers

The Mets currently have three retired numbers: 14 (Gil Hodges), 37 (Casey Stengel) and 41 (Tom Seaver). It's time to retire some more. Or, at the bare minimum, show a little respect to players like Gary Carter and living legend Keith Hernandez, whose exploits inspired this blog, and refrain from giving out their number. Keith has publicly vented his frustration after his number 17 was given to Met legends such as Dae Sung Koo and Jorge Julio. They do not need to retire all of the '86 Mets numbers, but a few would be a nice gesture and would get a great reaction from the fans. I can live with Wally Backman's number not being hung up over the left field wall, but a little piece of me hurts every time I see a picture of Joe Orsulak wearing it.

5. Kill Mr. Met

This is a very polarizing topic among my friends and I. Some people love Mr. Met, some people thing that he does for Met fans what minstrel shows do for black people. Personally, I would like to see him go, but not just phased out. I would make a promotion out of it in which the Diamondvision shows a video of Mr. Met falling in front of the 7 train, followed by a funeral procession and burial in the patch of grass on the hill along the left field line. That would be the tits.

6. Do Some Decent Promotions

Shea promotions have not always blown. I remember when they used to give out Starting Lineup figures, towels with beer logos on them, bobbleheads and entire sets of Mets baseball cards. In the 13 Saturday home games that I've been to this year as part of my ticket package, I have received a package of assorted cocoa butters, a sports bag that is guaranteed to explode if I try to put so much as a pair of sneakers in it and a visor that was almost certainly sewn together by the Malaysian children who are not skilled enough to work at the local Nike plant. I supposed it's a double edged sword these days, as the Mets are playing so well that they no longer need to give out crappy prizes to get people to the park. My suggestion is, next time the Wilpons are considering putting a $21 million dollar contract in front of The Japanese Vlad Guerrero, take it back and give out some badass t-shirts through out the season. Get Copenhagen to sponsor a Billy Wagner spittoon event. Give away those sweatbands that Pedro always has on in the dugout. Issue everyone over the age of 65 a colostomy bag with a picture of Steve Philips on it. Beats the shit out of Women's Totebag Night.

7. Bring Back Half Priced Sodas

After the Mets went to the World Series in 2000, two friends and I bought the Mets Saturday Plan thinking that we would be getting in on years of quality baseball. And then we got Mo Vaughn. What ensued were 4 years of dog shit baseball. One of the bonuses of this era however was that the Mets felt so bad for trotting out a first baseman who had Bear Claws thrown at him in Los Angeles that they began offering half price sodas after the seventh inning of games that they were probably losing. This was outstanding. I was usually spitting out my third pinch of Skoal by this point in the game and a $2 Mountain Dew was ideal to keep me hydrated on the drive back to Connecticut.

8. Institute Seat Downgrade Contest

About halfway through each game, the Mets Party Patrol finds some doofy looking family in decent upper deck or mezzanine seats and gives them a seat upgrade to field level. Gay. I mean, it's cool for them, but I want something better than this or Cascarino's pizza truck races to keep me entertained between innings. Here's what they need to do: in the fourth inning, find a fan in the upper deck, preferably one who is drunk. Give that fan a chance to answer a moderately hard trivia question. If he gets it right, he and his drunk buddy get to go down to field level, where their "Hey Chippuh, you suck!" cheers can be appreciated by families and corporate assholes. If he loses, he is escorted to the upper most seat in the top corner of the upper deck behind the left field pole. Two Shea security guards will be assigned to him to make sure he does not try to sneak back to his original seat. Every other inning the party patrol can interview him on the Diamondvision to see how pissed off he is getting. So much better than just an upgrade.

9. Get Rid Of Ricky Fucking Ledee

For the love of Christ, just make this happen.