Mets Haiku Bukakke Party

One time during a boring intro history class in college, Professor Reyes passed me a notebook he had been scribbling poems in. No, Professor Reyes isn't gay (in all likelihood) - they were just dumb haikus making fun of our friends. One in particular struck me....I believe it went something along the lines of:

Slipping in his puke

Fingering an ugly girl

'Tis the life of Dan*

I don't know why I was thinking about this at work the other day, but I nearly laughed out loud at my desk, just like in college. So I figured I would address the current state of the Mets in haiku form. It's a way to be feel clever while actually being really fucking lazy.

Shawn Green

Oh, Flaco - what's wrong?

Is it your gangly body?

Are steroids kosher?

John Maine

Cy Young candidate
You are my man crush, young John

I would have your kids

Moises Alou

Where did Moises go?
Is he still a New York Met?

Stop peeing on hands

Carlos Delgado

Why can't you hit, 'Los?

We don't pay you to suck balls

Two forty - not good

Mike Pelfrey

What happened to you?

You were going to be big

Now, Anthony Young

Ruben Gotay

My friend, you got fucked
Castillo can't hit like you

Willie likes old folks

Guillermo Mota

You injected drugs

Now you stink like Shea toilet

Get back on the juice**

Julio Franco

Wanted to play more
You were the human ground out

Good riddance, Old Fuck

That's really all I have in me right now - have to get back to Glavine going for 300. More Japanese goodness to follow later.

*This name has not been changed. Dan really did do these things.

**Live Update: Mota (with help from Feliciano) just blew Glavine's 300th. I sincerely hope this was the last we will see of Steroid in a Mets uniform.

John Maine Got Hosed

I can't remember the last time I really cared about the All Star game. High school, maybe? Middle school, before my summers were filled with illegally purchased coconut rum and mid-afternoon masturbation? I certainly haven't cared since college, and I really could give a shit about tonight's game...that's why I figured now would be as good a time as any to check back in with the ol' blog.

I was thinking of doing a "Mets midseason report card" kind of thing, but I'm too lazy to do that in this godawful heat. Plus, Eddie Coleman did a decent one at wfan.com anyway. So in the spirit of the All Star game and my general crankiness at the fact that its so hot in New York I have to frequently wiggle my hand around in my pants pockets at work in an attempt to peel my scrotum away from my inner thigh while trying not to look like a total pervert, I figure I'll just bitch about the fact that John Maine got totally screwed out of a spot on the All Star team.

I've never really been one to put much stock into the All Star rosters in the first place. Every team has to have a representative, and as we've seen in other recent elections, the American public can't really be trusted to make sound evaluations of personal talent and ability anyway. Some asshole like Barry Bonds or Jeff Kent always gets selected based on the fact that at one time they were the best at their respective positions, but aren't so great any more. Same shit happened again this year (Freddie Sanchez? Jose Valverde?? What the fuck???).

What really burns my ass though is that not only did John Maine not make the team initially, but he wasn't even considered in the internet voting runoff that followed the initial voting. I understand that John Maine is still young, but that shouldn't excuse the shit I feel he takes after such a solid start to this season. I've been sticking up for Maine since the '06 playoffs - especially when my douchey Yankee fan friends try to convince me that Maine isn't all he's cracked up to be. Granted, he could suck a fat one in the second half, but so could any of the All Stars chosen for this year. Players who make the All Star team should make the team based on their first half performance. Period. Here are some of the losers who made the team over Maine and his 10-4 record, 2.71 ERA and 7.63 K/9:

Roy Oswalt: 8-5/3.53/6.27

Ben Sheets: 10-4/3.41/6.75

John Smoltz: 9-5/3.07/8.18

Brandon Webb: 8-6/3.37/7.69

You can make a case for these guys, but there is no reason that Maine's name should not be mentioned with any of these "All Stars," and..ahhh, fuck it. Who really cares anyway. Let's just hope that Maine has as good a second half as he did this spring/summer.

For now, I'm going to smoke a bowl and hope that Fox decides to talk to Eric Byrnes and his dog for the rest of this game.