Out In The Wilderness

What's the name of that Tom Hanks movie? You know, the one where everyone has AIDS?

2008-04-21T19:09:00.005-04:00

We came. We saw. We heard about Jake's ballsac.

New York comes to Philadelphia: The Press

Pick Me Up Some Mets!

New York Times, 4-20-08

(Check for the part about the fans in the upper deck, left field side. We brought the raucousness. And the AIDS jokes.)

Metsblog

Metsblog flickr page

And just for good measure, the Opening Day Rickroll...

Photo courtesy of metsblog's flickr page.

Do They Have To Rub It In?

2007-09-30T19:10:00.001-04:00

Imagine: you watched the Mets pitch and hit and fight and win yesterday, made plans to meet your buddies at the bar to watch by far the biggest game the Mets will play this season, you wore your lucky hat/jersey/boxers and then watched in disbelief as Tom Glavine delivered the worst game of his Hall of Fame career. Then, after crying in your beer, comiserating with your friends, getting talked off the ledge by your family, you come to accept the fact that this just wasn't the Mets year. You're ready to move on. You come home, have a nice dinner with your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend and then settle down in front of the T.V. And you see this:

Call it a hunch, but I don't think they're going to need the whole half hour. What a kick in the nuts.

If I were Fred Wilpon, I would make Willie and Omar personally take down the playoff seats that the Mets put up behind the on deck circles at Shea.

Meet the Mess

2007-09-28T08:59:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to stay positive. Well, maybe not positive, but I've at least been trying to hang on to a shred of irritional optimism over the course of the last two weeks. I've gone from "confident" (up 7 with 17 to play!), to "nervously dismissive" (they've lost a few, but there's no way Phillie can make up that many games!), to "fucking pissed off" (see previous Fire Willie post), to "depressed" and then to where I am now - "acceptance." I have come to accept that the reality of the 2007 New York Mets: They suck.

I have tried to be the eternal optimist with this team. In my 25 years of fandom, I have never given up on the Mets. I've even tried to read the bullshit metsblog posts in which "Ya Gotta Believe" and other general happy thoughts are radiated like rays up sunshine right up my ass. But its not possible to feel good about this team. They just suck. Even if the impossible happens, like, I don't know, WINNING TWO OF THREE AGAINST A SHITTY LAST PLACE TEAM, and the Mets fall face first into the playoffs, can any fan realistically feel excited about our chances? No they cannot.

Perhaps Faith and Fear in Flushing sums it up best: "I want to hear why on earth I should give a fuck about the 2007 New York Mets. Because there's far too much evidence that the 2007 New York Mets themselves do not."

That's why this team pisses me off so much. It's the overwhelming evidence that they just don't give shit. Willie Randolph and his apologists will tell you that it isn't the managers job to get a bunch of millionaire athletes pumped up to play a game. They should be able to do that themselves. Well, if that is the case, then what the fuck is the point of having a manager in the first place? I understand that the batters have to score runs and the pitchers need to not eat a big plate of dicks, but why even have a manager then? If they don't have to get the players juiced, then put me in! I can make questionable double switches! I can grossly misuse the bullpen! I can give generic, canned baseball cliches after a crushing defeat! Fuck yeah!

Watching this team is almost like having a terminal illness. I'm just glad that I've finally reached the "acceptance" stage of the "anger, denial, depression, acceptance" chain. I actually found myself laughing last night when my friend, cocked no less, sent me a "Were done! Y do I even root 4 them!" text after Joel Pineiro, he of the "Cut By the Red Sox" Pineiros, strutted off the field like he was Steve Fucking Carlton. Because was there ever a doubt that this was going to happen? You cannot have a losing record for the months of June and July and expect to win your division. You cannot expect to sleep walk through the month of September against shitty teams and have the division handed to you on a fucking silver platter.

This is not the '06 Mets. That team was fun. They rallied. They had exciting victories. They appeared to give a shit. And perhaps that was the problem. After six years of sucking, the Mets clubhouse realized how much talent they had. And then they got complacent. When that happens, you need the right player, or manager, to smash some fucking furniture, or get in an umps face, or giving a rousing speech. But not this time. Who is going to do that? Willie? Tom Glavine? Carlos "Hip Flexor" Delgado? Do you really think anyone can take Paul Lo Duca seriously at this point?

Here's a "Flushing Flash" for this year's Mets: YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH FUCKING TALENT AS YOU FUCKING THINK YOU DO. Carlos Delgado SUCKS. Carlos Beltran is streaky. Your corner outfielders are 40. Your second baseman's knees are in shambles. Your bullpen is comprised of over-the-hill the castoff starters and Guillermo Mota, possibly the worst fucking reliever in baseball as we speak. YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY TRY IF YOU WANT TO WIN. Fuck fuck fuck.

All I could think about this morning when I woke up at 5:40 a.m. and couldn't fall back to sleep was being at Game 6 of the Rangers vs. Sabres Eastern Conference semi-finals last year. In the closing minutes of that game, when it became obvious that the game was lost, every Ranger fan in the building got on their feet and started cheering. I've never seen anything like it at a sporting event I've been to in person. People were cheering like the Rangers had just advanced to the Cup finals. Even though they were about to get knocked out of the playoffs, we were telling the team "You didn't make it happen this year, but fuck, it was a great ride." And it was. And when the players gathered at center ice and saluted us with their sticks, I thought on my way out of the Garden, "This was a fun year." Can you picture that happening at Shea on Sunday? Because I can't. All I can see is a bunch of overpaid assholes slinking off the field after a record setting collapse.

Rooting for the Mets should be fun, but this bunch has somehow found a way to take that away from me. Thanks 2007 Mets - my season has come!

Willie Randolph, Your Season Has Come...And Gone

2007-09-18T20:34:00.000-04:00

You heard it here first: whether or not the Mets snap out of this God awful, stinky crotched, hideous fucking funk they're in, I want Willie Randolph out. I don't care if they win the World Series, I want Willie to pack his shit before the champagne dries.

I don't ask for all that much from my teams. In my lifetime, I've seen the Rangers win the Cup (which was more enjoyable than losing my virginity) and a couple UCONN basketball titles. I've stuck by the Mets through every shitty summer and every shitty inning they've played in my lifetime. All I ask is that the team, as a whole, cares. Or at least looks like they care. That was why I hated Roger Cedeno's fat ass - the guy had the world's biggest grin on his face whether he hit for the cycle or grounded into a double play. You can shit in your hat, Roger Cedeno.

On the other hand, I have always loved guys like Esa Tikkanen, Wayne Chrebet, Lou Piniella, Keith Hernandez and so on. When they played, or coached, they busted their ass. They looked like they would be more devastated than I was after a loss or a bad call. That's what I want. Which leads me to Willie Randolph.

Willie Randolph is calm to a fault. It makes me wonder if he has some kind of condition. Like partial autism or something. Which would make me feel bad for ripping on him, but not that bad. Some people say, "You're an idiot, players want to play for a manager who has confidence in them. Willie doesn't need to tear up the clubhouse to inspire the team." I say balls to that. Observe the following:

- Willie in today's New York Times: "If we smell the roses and sip some Champagne, so be it; if not, that's life."

- Paul Lo Duca on WFAN today: "Lo Duca responded with a solid four seconds of silence when asked if he believes his manager, Willie Randolph, should go out and defend his players to the umpire."

- Marty Noble, quoting an anonymous Met in his Mets.com column: "We play at the temperature of the manager. I know Willie cares a lot, but he's not showing it much."

Add to this the fact that he still has trouble pulling off a double switch (did you really need to use all three catchers last night, Willie?), continues to trot Guillermo "The Tall Mel Rojas" Mota out to the mound and lacks even fundamental knowledge of in game strategy, and it is clear to see he needs to go. Willie Randolph's idea of managing a bullpen is a real fucking stroke of genius as well: leave a guy in until he gets bombed, at which point the booing is so loud it's a cue to pull him. Awesome.

Willie Randolph may be a decent guy, but good God is he a shitty manager. And I believe that it all begins with his roots as a Yankee. Joe Torre, for all of his credentials, is a shitty baseball manager. If you put him on the Royals in the late '90s and early '00s, he would be no different than Art Howe. Give him a $200 million payroll and he's gold. I'll admit, Torre is good at what he does - keeping a clubhouse full of enormous egos in check in the pressure cooker of a media market that is New York. Other than that, the guy stinks. He doesn't know how to manage his bullpen, makes odd lineup moves and substitutions, and so on. Willie is the same way. The Mets success over the last three years has not been because of Willie, it has been in spite of him. Give Bobby V the talent we have now, and I guarantee you get the same or better results.

So I say, happy trails to you, Willie Randolph. It's been real. It's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. Time to turn the page.

And, just in case you no longer want to watch calm, cool and collected Willie answer questions in a pissy manner after the next Mets loss, here is your very own "Build A Postgame Interview" starring Willie Randolph. Just plug in the appropriate opponent and player that cost the Mets the game in question.

Reporter: Willie, are you upset about todays loss?

Willie: Upset? Nah, man, I'm not upset. Sometimes you just gotta tip your hat, you know? And the ______ deserved it today. They played hard.

Reporter: But Willie, this was a pretty big game. Your lead in the East has shrunk to ___ games. Do you feel like your team is pressing at all?

Willie: Do I feel like we're pressing? Nah, man, you know, we just have to go out there tomorrow and win one. This game isn't any more important than the next, you know? We're not pressing, we just gotta turn the page, go out there, and get 'em tomorrow.

Reporter: Willie why did you put in _______ in the 6th inning when he has pitched four days in a row and has a history of sucking against this team, and lefties?

Willie: Well, you know, ______ is my guy. He's been my guy all year. He's probably got some of the best stuff in our bullpen, he just needs to show it. I had a gut feeling and it didn't work out, you know? No big deal.

Reporter: Willie, do you think you need to address the team to snap them out of this skid? I mean, you've lost ___ in a row.

Willie: Address the team? No, no, I'm not going to address the team. I mean, these are my guys. Just gotta stay positive, stay strong, go back out there and play our hardest. They're trying, you know? That's all I can ask, man.

Reporter: But Willie, your team has made ___ errors in the last __ games. Your bullpen has blown the lead ___ games in a row. Are they really trying that hard?

Willie: This interview is over.

Jerry Manuel doesn't even want to talk to Willie.

Mets Haiku Bukakke Party

2007-07-31T20:56:00.000-04:00

One time during a boring intro history class in college, Professor Reyes passed me a notebook he had been scribbling poems in. No, Professor Reyes isn't gay (in all likelihood) - they were just dumb haikus making fun of our friends. One in particular struck me....I believe it went something along the lines of:

Slipping in his puke

Fingering an ugly girl

'Tis the life of Dan*

I don't know why I was thinking about this at work the other day, but I nearly laughed out loud at my desk, just like in college. So I figured I would address the current state of the Mets in haiku form. It's a way to be feel clever while actually being really fucking lazy.

Shawn Green

Oh, Flaco - what's wrong?

Is it your gangly body?

Are steroids kosher?

John Maine

Cy Young candidate
You are my man crush, young John

I would have your kids

Moises Alou

Where did Moises go?
Is he still a New York Met?

Stop peeing on hands

Carlos Delgado

Why can't you hit, 'Los?

We don't pay you to suck balls

Two forty - not good

Mike Pelfrey

What happened to you?

You were going to be big

Now, Anthony Young

Ruben Gotay

My friend, you got fucked
Castillo can't hit like you

Willie likes old folks

Guillermo Mota

You injected drugs

Now you stink like Shea toilet

Get back on the juice**

Julio Franco

Wanted to play more
You were the human ground out

Good riddance, Old Fuck

That's really all I have in me right now - have to get back to Glavine going for 300. More Japanese goodness to follow later.

*This name has not been changed. Dan really did do these things.

**Live Update: Mota (with help from Feliciano) just blew Glavine's 300th. I sincerely hope this was the last we will see of Steroid in a Mets uniform.

John Maine Got Hosed

2007-07-10T21:06:00.000-04:00

I can't remember the last time I really cared about the All Star game. High school, maybe? Middle school, before my summers were filled with illegally purchased coconut rum and mid-afternoon masturbation? I certainly haven't cared since college, and I really could give a shit about tonight's game...that's why I figured now would be as good a time as any to check back in with the ol' blog.

I was thinking of doing a "Mets midseason report card" kind of thing, but I'm too lazy to do that in this godawful heat. Plus, Eddie Coleman did a decent one at wfan.com anyway. So in the spirit of the All Star game and my general crankiness at the fact that its so hot in New York I have to frequently wiggle my hand around in my pants pockets at work in an attempt to peel my scrotum away from my inner thigh while trying not to look like a total pervert, I figure I'll just bitch about the fact that John Maine got totally screwed out of a spot on the All Star team.

I've never really been one to put much stock into the All Star rosters in the first place. Every team has to have a representative, and as we've seen in other recent elections, the American public can't really be trusted to make sound evaluations of personal talent and ability anyway. Some asshole like Barry Bonds or Jeff Kent always gets selected based on the fact that at one time they were the best at their respective positions, but aren't so great any more. Same shit happened again this year (Freddie Sanchez? Jose Valverde?? What the fuck???).

What really burns my ass though is that not only did John Maine not make the team initially, but he wasn't even considered in the internet voting runoff that followed the initial voting. I understand that John Maine is still young, but that shouldn't excuse the shit I feel he takes after such a solid start to this season. I've been sticking up for Maine since the '06 playoffs - especially when my douchey Yankee fan friends try to convince me that Maine isn't all he's cracked up to be. Granted, he could suck a fat one in the second half, but so could any of the All Stars chosen for this year. Players who make the All Star team should make the team based on their first half performance. Period. Here are some of the losers who made the team over Maine and his 10-4 record, 2.71 ERA and 7.63 K/9:

Roy Oswalt: 8-5/3.53/6.27

Ben Sheets: 10-4/3.41/6.75

John Smoltz: 9-5/3.07/8.18

Brandon Webb: 8-6/3.37/7.69

You can make a case for these guys, but there is no reason that Maine's name should not be mentioned with any of these "All Stars," and..ahhh, fuck it. Who really cares anyway. Let's just hope that Maine has as good a second half as he did this spring/summer.

For now, I'm going to smoke a bowl and hope that Fox decides to talk to Eric Byrnes and his dog for the rest of this game.

Los Mets

2007-06-19T20:43:00.000-04:00

Guh. I wanted this to be a happy post. A post about how the Mets are turning the corner after their blowout win against Minnesota last night. But no. Looks like it's more "one step forward and two steps back." Well, not exactly, I guess that won't be true ~~until~~ unless they lose to the Twins tomorrow.

It's cool. I wanted to write about something else anyway. There was a link on deadspin today to this post. The gist of the post was that the kid who runs the blog heard from his "inside source" that Julio Franco is a clubhouse cancer, and since the Mets have been in their June long swoon, Julio has been at the center of a "racial divide" between the Latinos and non-Latinos. To me, this story seems like utter bullshit. The site was just started on June 18th and is even more poorly written/edited than this one. The author of the Julio Franco post is in high school and formerly did something at metsblog. He made this known for a short time this morning before Matt Cerrone, owner and operator of metsblog, asked him to remove his blog's name from the post. This was the appropriate thing to do, however (a) I don't understand why Cerrone is getting help from high school kids if metsblog is his sole profession and (b) he totally pussed out. If he really didn't want his name associated with such a bogus article, he should have reamed the kid a new asshole instead of thanking him and wishing him good luck. We love metsblog here at Out In The Wilderness, but at times its a little too diplomatic. Ideally, we wouldn't even be linking to the offending post, however we're confident that not enough people read this blog to make an impact anyway. (Side note: if you click our site meter and click on "referrals," you will see that someone found our site by googling "pleated jorts." Perhaps this whole blog is worth it after all...)

There has been a lot of talk about the "Latinization" of the Mets ever since Omar Minaya took the reins as GM. Others have stirred the spicy, frijole filled pot as well, what with Ozzie Guillen claiming that Latino players are being unfairly implicated in the recent steroid "crackdown" and Gary Sheffield, being the crazy fuck that he is, claiming that fewer black players are in the league today because MLB wants "easier to control" Latinos.

To throw our sombrero into the "Latino Invasion" ring, I decided to do a scientific study* of Latino players on the twenty-five man active rosters of every MLB team. Here are the results, and bear in mind, I am only including players who were born in a "Latino" country, not just players with Hispanic sounding names:

14 Latinos

New York Mets

9 Latinos
Boston Red Sox
LA Angels
Detroit Tigers

8 Latinos
Arizona Diamondbacks
Cleveland Indians
New York Yankees

7 Latinos
Washington Nationals
Kansas City Royals
Minnesota Twins
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

6 Latinos

Florida Marlins
San Francisco Giants
Chicago White Sox

5 Latinos
Philadelphia Phillies
Chicago Cubs
Colorado Rockies
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers

4 Latinos
Atlanta Braves
Pittsburgh Pirates
LA Dodgers
Baltimore Orioles
Tampa Bay Rays

3 Latinos
Oakland A's

2 Latinos
San Diego Padres
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros

0 Latinos

Toronto Blue Jays

So what do we make of this empirical study? Well, lets look at how the seven teams with the most Latinos are faring in the standings:

Mets: 1st Place, NL East

Red Sox: 1st Place, AL East

Angels: 1st Place, AL West

Tigers: 2nd Place, AL Central

Dbacks: 2nd Place, NL West

Indians: 1st Place, AL Central

Yankees: 2nd Place, AL East

Hmmm...I'm no advanced scout, but I would hypothesize that Latinos = wins. This hypothesis kind of goes to shit once you get to the teams with seven Latinos. This actually seems like the most unlucky number of Latinos to have on your team, since almost all of these teams totally stink.

The point is this: some of the best players in the game today are from Latin American countries. Through increased efforts by major league teams, especially the Mets, to give Latin players access to better fields, equipment, instruction, etc., as well as a vast increase in scouting in these countries, more and more Latino players are going to find success in Major League Baseball. As these players are rushed from their home countries to America at a very young age, it is inevitable that they are going to gravitate towards each other in baseball clubhouses. However, this should never be capitalized on in a race baiting blog post to suggest that the Latino players on a team (especially MY mothafuckin' team) are isolating themselves from the non-Latinos. If this were true, Julio Franco wouldn't have taken Lastings Milledge under his wing. Omar Minaya would not make David Wright's honky ass the face of the franchise. The Mets would not continue to draft white pitcher after white pitcher in the draft every year.

Ultimately, we could give a shit who is on our team. You could have a clubhouse that looked like the fucking UN. If you win, everyone gets along. If you lose, people are going to butt heads. If half of those players are Latino, this does not mean that you have a "racial divide" - it means ~~the Mets~~ your team needs to start winning. Unless you're starting Jorge Sosa against Johan Santana. Then you're just fucked.

*Looked up players on MLB.com

If The Mets Bought An MLS Franchise, Would Anyone Notice?

2007-06-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

Major League Soccer is still around? Apparently it is, as the New York Times reported today that the Mets have been in talks with several groups of investors to possibly obtaining the rights to an MLS team.

By far the best line from the story: "Putting a team in New York, particularly in Queens, which has a large number of immigrants, would give M.L.S. a crosstown rivalry similar to the one it has near Los Angeles, where the Galaxy and Chivas USA share the Home Depot Center in Carson, Calif."

Wow, nothing screams rivalry like a soccer team nobody cares about in Queens playing a soccer team named after a soft drink playing in New Jersey.

Artists rendering of the future New York Mets Soccer Team.

A-Rod Hearts She-Males

2007-05-31T20:59:00.000-04:00

The purple lipstick. The sleepovers with Jeter. I guess it should not come as that much of a surprise then that perhaps the greatest quote to grace sports pages in our lifetime has come from the recent Alex Rodriguez/blonde goomah scandal.

When asked about A-Rod's taste in strippers, a "petite" Hustler Club ~~cumdumpster~~ dancer had the following to say:

"[he] likes the she-male, muscular type. They brought me up to the champagne room one time. I spun around once and that was it. I'm not his type."

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. I guess when you're trying as hard as you can to stay in the closet, the next best thing to banging dudes is to nail muscular she-males while on road trips. Seriously, have you seen his wife? Or the chick he's boning on the side? Holy shit! You could crack a walnut on those triceps! That's a thick bitch right there.

I wonder if A-Rod and the missus ever talk about the above hose beast at couples therapy. Guhhhh.

Mrs. A-Rod: Not enough of a she-male.

Greg Oden: Raiding Mike Pelfrey's Closet?

2007-05-24T20:44:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, we know this has nothing to do with Mets baseball, but we would be remiss not to point people in the direction of this post at The Fan's Attic. You see, here at Out In The Wilderness, the Mets will always come first. But we also like to consider ouselves one of the foremost online jorts authorities in America.

Behold: future Portland Trail Blazer Greg Oden. Rocking jorts.

Considering Oden is an OSU Buckeye, even if it was just for a year, this should really surprise no one. I think Ohioans consider jorts acceptable attire for wakes and weddings. But not cargo jorts. Those are strictly for partying.

The Greasebox of Dreams

2007-05-21T18:37:00.000-04:00

Despite the extra shitty manner in which the Mets decided to distribute Subway Series tickets this year (I maintain that there were more Yankees fans at Shea this year than ever before) I still managed to finagle a ticket to the game Sunday night. Despite the fact that the Mets lost, I actually felt pretty good about the whole night. David Wright seems to have slugged his way out of his slump. Damion Easley, he of the "Should Have Retired 4 Years Ago" variety infielders, homered off of Mariano Rivera, thus confirming that he really truly is done as the untouchable closer he once was. Plus, being at Shea meant not having to listen to Joe Morgan. (Side note: During the portion of the game where they interview Willie in the dugout, Joe asked Willie if he sent Paul Lo Duca with Damion Easley at the plate. The catch? It was a 3-2 count, two men out. I think it took everything in Willie's power to not embarrass him on the air. Joe Morgan needs to be euthanized.)

Even with all of these silver linings on the dump that the Mets left on the field Sunday, the best of all did not come until the game was long over. What occurred on my way to the subway has forever changed my view of food service at Shea Stadium.

After the game ended, my three friends and I decided to walk around the stadium in the upper deck as opposed to outside of Shea. After we got near the homeplate area, the crowd opened up and we were able to move more quickly. As we made our way to the right field sections, we were stopped by an Aramark employee who at the time was manning a gigantic push cart full of shit. Piled atop his cart were crushed beer boxes, hot dog bun wrappers and other assorted refuse. When we got to his cart however, our new friend, who looked a lot like Chris Rock if he had a learning disability, offered us perhaps the finest bounty bestowed upon a group of individuals since the days of Plymouth Rock: The Greasebox of Dreams. He had taken two of the cardboard trays that they give you to carry your food and soda at the concession stands and filled them to capacity with food. The best part? It was like a fucking treasure hunt that only got more exciting the deeper you dug. At first, we thought it was just a box of soggy fries. This theory was fueled in part by the fact that grease had already eaten through approximately 30% of the box. After pulling away a couple handfuls of krinkle cut fries, we realized that there were also Nathans chicken tenders! Holy shit! Anyone who has eaten at Shea knows that the Nathans chicken tender and fry baskets are without a doubt the most delicious item in the stadium. And here we were, walking out of the stadium, with a fucking treasure trove of Nathans. I swear, there were sixteen tenders if there was one. And not only that, but there were two pre-wrapped hot dogs at the bottom of the whole thing. A quick tally put the value of this box at an estimated $60.00. It's been almost 24 hours and I still have not shit out all this food.

Now usually, I am not one to eat food that a strange man gives me from his pile of garbage, but this was an exception. We immediately suspected that something must be wrong with the food if this guy was willing to give us his whole tender stash. But then I thought about it. I have long lamented the shitty food service at Shea. The food itself is actually pretty tasty, but the people serving it almost take pride in how slowly and inefficiently they conduct their business. I figured that it was because they hate their life and resent the fact that they have to wait on drunken baseball fans. But this is only partly true. I am now of the opinion that Shea's Aramark employees don't really hate me or the other fans, they just hate Aramark. From reports I have read* Aramark treats its employees like shit, so in order to get back at Aramark, these guys just bear down and do the worst fucking job any person could possibly do. It's not a bad idea, considering their job security rivals that of City employees. Really, what fan is going to spend the time to hunt down a supervisor and make a formal complaint if they get shitty service? None, that's who. These people would basically have to get caught keeping hot dogs warm underneath their nut sac in order to get fired.

At the end of the day, Aramark employees don't hate you or me, they just hate Aramark. And you know what? That's fine with me. Stick it to the man, that's what I say. The next time I'm in line at the concession stand by Section 3 in the upper deck, and the woman waiting on me is taking her sweet ass time trying to track down the lid to my soda, I'll just smile and remember the Greasebox of Dreams.

*Reports I have read = rumors I saw on a blog

Rocket, Back On The Juice; Suzyn Waldman Spontaneously Orgasms

2007-05-08T19:15:00.000-04:00

Roger Clemens is back, and not a moment too soon for Yankee fans! Hooray! How any Yankee fan could be excited about this is beyond me. Let's quickly look at the myriad problems with the "Roger Clemens Is Back In The Bronx" disaster that has been dumped in our laps like an unwanted baby is tossed in a dumpster in the South Bronx:

1) Signings like this are exactly the type of personnel decision that have left the Yankees in the current state they are in (14-16, tied with the D-Rays). As a Mets fan, I was willing to accept the fact that the Mets might struggle for a bit while they tried to develop guys like Oliver Perez, John Maine, Mike Pelfrey, etc., but I was happy because at least they were moving away from the "patch together a rotation with fading stars" bullshit that had been their M.O. since the mid 90s. The Yankees are moving the complete opposite direction - older, frailer and more overpaid.

2) Roger Clemens is a huge asshole. He is a gigantic Texas redneck with an even bigger ego. And he will now be joining a team of other hired guns with comparably enormous egos. Well, joining them at home games. If he feels like it. Apparently the Yankees value team chemistry as much as I value exercise and a balanced diet (I'd take a digital picture of my lovehandles to prove my point, but I don't want to get off the couch).

3) This signing really is not going to have that big of an impact on the Yankees' season. I'd elaborate, but Rumors and Rants does a much better job for me right here. Perhaps the Yanks should look for a closer who they can tender a $28 million pro-rated contract to.

4) Yankees fans, they keep crawlin' back. Any Yankee fan who cheered as Roger Clemens all but rode into the owner's box on a white horse on Sunday should be publicly flogged. That man is what Jennifer Lopez would look like if she were a juiced up Texas meathead. Cheering for him after he pulled his "maybe I will, maybe I won't" routine for an entire spring is like kicking your husband out after he beats you and then throwing an ice cream party for the bastard when he decides to come back home.

5) Clemens is set to make his first start during the first week of June, according to ~~crying little jerkoff~~ Yankees G.M. Brian Cashman. That's kind of funny, because as a Mets fan, I have a player of mine rejoining the team during the first week of June. What was his name...big dude...kind of a dick...ummmm - Oh yeah! Guiellermo Mota! The same Guiellermo Mota who got caught for steroids and suspended for 50 games under the new, relatively ineffective MLB drug testing policy! This reeks of a cover up. Bud Selig, baseball commissioner and known douchebag, most certainly suspended Mota during the first wave of random drug testing in order to prove that the new testing is "working," while telling Roger to lay low for a few months in order to protect the legacy of one of the better pitchers of our generation. Total. Bullshit.

6) The Yankees now have a thirdbaseman who wears purple lipstick, a shortstop with a flattop and a grown man who frosts his tips. This is not a pennant contender. This is a really shitty boy band.

Lance Bass's bigger, gayer brother.

7) I am not a skilled enough writer to put in to words how absurd Suzyn Waldman's reaction to this announcement was. Enjoy. (via "Yes Joe, It's Toasted")

This woman makes Fran Healy sound goooooooood.

So in conclusion - enjoy, Yankees fans, for you have added one more expensive, selfish rent-a-star to your already bloated payroll.

2007 Shea Promotions: They're Craaaap-tacular!

2007-04-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

We've written about shitty promotions at Shea in the past, however at the April 21st game against the Braves, the Mets truly outdid themselves. Normally I would not feel compelled to do a post aimed at one specific promotion, but last Saturday's give away was such a fucking abomination, I feel that it is warranted.

Behold, the most embarrassing promotional give away I can recall in my 19 years of attending Mets games:

I don't know how, but I've actually made this monstrosity look good in this photo. I can only attribute this to the fact that I am an artistic genius - the Diane Arbus of stadium promotional items. But with a schlong.

This luggage tag was sponsored by Luggage Express. They are a "universal express company." What is a universal express company? Fuck if I know. But they were able to front the money to sponsor this giveaway. Well kind of - they were only given to the first 25,000 ~~sad bastards~~ lucky fans.

I'm pretty sure that when the Mets front office actually saw these luggage tags, they reacted like Herb Powell when Homer's car was unveiled to the media. There was no mention of Luggage Express during the game, nor were there any signs, Diamond Vision announcements, etc. promoting the company or this shitty item. In fact, a pocket schedule I obtained on Wednesday acknowledges that there was a promotion that Saturday, but it does not tell you what the give away was, as it does for every other promotion. The Mets website still mentions the luggage tag, but I have a feeling the team is trying to wash its hands of this thing ASAP.

Braves, Hillbillies To Come Together On Ticket Plans

2007-04-23T21:31:00.000-04:00

When you win 14 division titles in a fifteen year span, you probably should not have to resort to shit like this to get people to come to your games. As reported by the AP, the Braves are now offering "interest free" ticket packages (limited to plans valued at over $200!) in order to entice local goobers to actually show up at Turner Field. The best quote from this story? GE Money vice president of sporting goods industry Dennis Murphy thinks that, "the very high percentage of customers will pay these off." You stay classy, Atlanta. Hopefully no Atlanta area families will have to go without tornado insurance in order to pay off their Braves plan.

Tilford, GA resident Raymond Cooter anxiously awaits his Braves Sunday Plan outside of his double wide Monday night.

Antonio Alfonseca Is A Tremendously Fat Fuck

2007-04-11T22:01:00.000-04:00

Holy shit. As I was watching Ollie Perez suck a GIGANTIC dick on the mound tonight, I was fortunate enough to see one of the true marvels of modern athletics in the bottom of the eighth inning. Jesus Christ is Antonio Alfonseca a tubby bitch. Wow. I did a double - nay, a triple take - when I saw this side profile of Alfonseca. Talk about a walking heart attack. This picture is captured via DVR on my TV and is not distorted or Photoshopped in any way, shape or form. This man must weigh close to 450 pounds. Look at his pants, too. It looks like he's carrying a miscarried fetus back there. I feel so much better about myself after seeing this image.

The 2007 New York Mets. In Preview Form.

2007-04-01T16:07:00.000-04:00

Well, not really a preview. Previews tend to be wrong. And if they are right, who wants to listen to some self righteous asshole who correctly predicted baseball results 6 months in advance refer back to his preview? Besides, with the rising popularity of blogs, everyone from Buster Olney to some douche in your office can now accurately tell you how the '07 season is going to unfold. Well, with the exception of Pedro Gomez. His predictions just straight up blow. With that in mind, we thought that we would simply bring you what it is that has us excited, and not so excited, about the Mets going into Opening Day.

Why This Season Is Going To Rock Hard:

Baseball Is Back. There is perhaps no shittier period in any sports fans' year than the February through mid-March stretch. Football is over. Hockey, if you are one of the 18 people who likes the sport, is still in the middle of its excruciatingly long season. Basketball blows. In fact for us, it pretty much just sucks from October until the first pitch of the following spring. Unless you went to a big school that makes the tourney, or are a total degenerate gambler who grows bored betting on horses, even March Madness licks nuts. This is why New York sports sections start covering spring training in January. Howie Rose. The 7 train. Doubleheaders in July. These simple things remind us of why we love this game so much. Anybody who tells you that this is not the greatest sport on earth deserves to have their mother get spacedocked by Billy Packer.

The Mets Are Getting Younger...ish. Fine, Moises Alou and Damion Easley do not help the age average out at all, but the Mets have finally realized the error of their ways and have officially begun a youth movement. Steve Trachsel and Victor Zambrano (ugh) were told to drag ass and the Mets subsequently brought back a trio of young pitchers who, with some of the other young arms in AAA, should provide a solid young core for years to come. John Maine (25), Oliver Perez (25) and Mike Pelfrey (23) are as good a 3-4-5 combination than any other threesome in the NL. The Mets have also added Ambiorix Burgos (22) and Joe Smith (23) to an already solid bullpen. And, while we can't imagine he'll be up all season, Lastings Milledge (21) played well enough to make the team as a bench player out of camp.

Citi Field Construction Has Begun. Only two more years at the giant blue turd that we all know and ~~loathe~~ love as Shea. Significant progress has been made on the right field stands and according to the presiding Mets fashionista Jeff Wilpon, construction is on schedule and within 1% of the projected budget. The rust colored steel beams and rows of Port-o-lets beyond the left field wall are welcome sights for anyone who has every had to trudge to the Upper Deck up a series of broken escalators, or left the bathroom to discover that the pool of piss you were standing in while taking a leak has crept four inches up the cuff of your pants.

(Thanks to stadiumpage.com for the picture.)

Jose Reyes Makes It Rain. By far the most exciting player in baseball. Mets fans are lucky to get to watch him every game for an entire season. He's like Rickey Henderson. But not a dickhead.

The Bullpen. Last year, the Mets had the best bullpen in the National League, and there is no reason to believe that this year will be any worse. We expect Billy Wagner to have a better year than last year, and last year he was still pretty dope.

Pedro Feliciano and Scott Schoeneweis should handle NL East lefties well. Schoeneweis has only allowed one home run to left handed hitters in the last FOUR YEARS. And, he had cancer in his balls that he beat while he was pitching at Duke. So, you know, he's got that going for him.

Joe Smith, the 23 year old kind-of-side-armer from Wright State will hopefully prove to be an effective replacement for Chad Bradford, who decided during the off season that he would rather rot away in Baltimore for an extra million dollars.

Ambiorix Burgos, the intriguingly fat Armando Benitez replacement, Aaron Heilman and Aaron Sele round out the pen, and should all make for interesting stories this year.

Omar Minaya believes firmly that bullpen strength and Latino players are the keys to a world championship, and he appears to have plenty of both heading into the 2007 season.

Mike Jones - "Mr. Jones" I guess this is not entirely Mets related, but this is one of the reasons we are excited for 2007. We cannot remember the last time a jam this hot debuted before the Mets season started. Professor Reyes has already declared this one of the most influential songs in hip hop history.

"I used to have homies, now I'm like, 'Fuck friends.'"

Things That May Not Rock So Hard

Hearing About How Good The Phillies Are This Year. What? Why? The Phillies are a good team, and we are pretty certain the Mets aren't going to roofie and rape the division like they did last year, but we don't understand all of the hype behind the '07 Phillies bandwagon. Yes, Ryan Howard is a fucking beast. Chase Utley is the real thing, albeit a real thing with a really, really gay name. Pat Burrell will probably kill the Mets again, but he is wearing out his welcome even with Philly fans.

All of the off season talk has been about how great the Phillies pitching staff now is. Here are last years numbers for this modern day Gashouse Gang:

Brett Myers (better at beating his wife than pitching), Freddy Garcia (17-9, 4.54 ERA), Cole Hammels (9-8, 4.08 ERA), Adam Eaton (7-4, 5.12 ERA) and Jamie Moyer (11-14, 4.30 ERA).

Is this that awesome a starting five? Can the Mets 3-4-5 pitchers not go a combined 27-26 with a mid-4 ERA? Fuck that shit. Throw in the fact that their bullpen is embarrassing and Flash Gordon is closing, and you have at best another 88 win team.

Ricky Ledee IS BACK. He's only signed to a minor league deal, but for Christs' sake WHY? Why do the Mets keep doing shit like this? As a favor to Ricky for how well he played off the bench last year? Strictly to bust our balls? This is clearly an insignificant signing, but we just hate Ricky Ledee sooooo much.

The Possibility Of Franco, Easley, Green and Valentin Crashing Hard. These guys are all way past their prime. Valentin had a ridiculous year in '06, but as objective fans, we have little reason to believe he can repeat that performance. Julio got a pass last year for his clubhouse presence, but he totally sucked down the stretch and has virtually nothing to offer this team from an on field perspective. Green was also painfully mediocre with the Mets last year, and it kind of sucks to have him taking up a space when Milledge had such a great spring. We understand that Green deserves a certain amount of respect because of what he has done in the past, but how long will he be allowed to suck this year before Milledge starts playing full time?

Well, it's almost 8:00, and as a special kick in the nuts to start off the season, we have to watch the game on ESPN2 and listen to Joe Morgan fellate Tony "Passed Out Drunk At A Stoplight" LaRussa for being such a genius. Fuck us.

Let's go Mets.

Boo This Man

2007-03-26T18:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, boo him. Scream "Down in front!" Throw shit at him. Expose your scrotum in the background when people ask him to pose for pictures with them, for Cow-Bell Man is the biggest fraud at Shea Stadium.

I have been going to Mets games since 1987, but I don't really have any specific memories of being in the Stadium until around 1989. Throughout my Mets career, there have been many memorable characters I have enjoyed meeting and seeing at Shea. The two scalpers we used to sell some of our season tickets to who had a business card they passed out with only their first names on it. The guy that sat field level wearing a suit and a Lone Ranger mask. The lady that sat behind home plate with all the doofy hats and made weird hand gestures. These people were great because they great characters, but weren't schticky - they were memorable for being who they are.

Cow-Bell Man, on the other hand, is one of the most loathsome motherfuckers a fan of a professional sports team can encounter. Cow-Bell Man is the A-Rod of fans - a true "24 + 1" guy. Most fans are content going to the stadium and cheering hard for their team. But not Cow-Bell Man. No, sir. He needs to walk around Shea in his customized jersey making a racket with an obnoxious fucking instrument. Even if your kid had Down Syndrome, you would probably only let it walk around your house smacking a cowbell for about 45 minutes before you pull the plug. This asshole does it for the entire game.

Everyone knows someone like this from high school: abrasive, grating personality, thinks they're cooler than they really are, probably went on to pursue some vapid acting career because they are so in love with themselves and love the spotlight. It would have been fine with me if Cow-Bell Man were to pursue commercial gigs on Telemundo, but no. He has to let all of Shea know that he is the #1 fan.

What disgusts me about Cow-Bell Man, besides the blatant misspelling of the word "cowbell," is that he takes away from the game in order to feed his massive Puerto Rican ego. Naturally, fans of all ages and intensity levels are going to come to Shea. But that doesn't mean these people aren't terribly annoying. You know the people I'm talking about. The one's more concerned with starting the wave than the fact that their team has two runners in scoring position, down by one. The one's doing annoying shit in order to get on the big screen. Any New York fan who participates in a "Sweet Caroline" sing-a-long. I have encountered similar fans in my New York sports career. The "Freddy Sez" douchebag at Yankee Stadium. The Jets' Firefighter Ed (who I like, by the way). "Dancin' Larry," who is affectionately known as "Homo Larry" in my section of the 400s at MSG.

With Firefighter Ed excluded, I have noticed a primarily negative reaction to these "Super Fans." A real fan doesn't need some jerkoff who has appointed himself the "#1 Fan" to get them excited. Especially when that fan may have other intentions than simply rooting for their team.

"Big Mackey Sasser," you ask, "are you implying that there might be more to Cow-Bell Douche than meets the eye?"

Yes, indeed I am. At a New York Rangers game at the Garden earlier this year, I was going to take a piss in the 400 level and saw none other than Cow-Bell Man leaning against the railing having a conversation with someone (come to think of it, it might have been Homo Larry). How did I know it was Cow-Bell Man? Because the asshole was wearing his custom made Mets jersey at a hockey game. Anyway, the snippet of the conversation that I overheard was as follows:

Rangers Fan (possibly Homo Larry): "So have the Mets given you season tickets yet?"

Cow-Bell Man: "No man, it's fucking ridiculous."

Ridiculous? That the Mets won't give $4,000 worth of tickets to someone who probably couldn't name everyone in the bullpen because he is too concerned with making noise during the game? Really?

Fuck you Cow-Bell Man.

In closing, I would like to implore everyone who attends a game at Shea this year, whether they are a fan of the Mets or not: BOO COW-BELL MAN. Do not take pictures with him. Do not feed his ego. Do not think that he represents Mets fans. He is but a pimple on the ass of Shea Stadium, and hopefully as the Shea Era ends in 2009, so with it goes the cowbell.

Does This Mean He'll Be Deleting His Myspace Page?

2007-03-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

Perhaps the best quote out of Mets camp, like, ever:

Lastings Milledge on why he has sheared off his trademark dreadlocks:

"Gotta get my grown man on."

I remember telling that to my mom when she caught me trimming my enormous pube bush
over the kitchen garbage can when I was in ninth grade.

Click here to view the official myspace page of "DA Edge."

In Defense of Pedro

2007-03-03T21:13:00.000-05:00

Misunderstood genius? Decrepit bust? Odd looking skinny man who reeks of mangoes? Since the spring of 2005, our Yankee fan/bitter Red Sox fan/Met hating friends have been telling us how shitty an idea it was to offer Pedro Martinez a four year contract. "He's too old." "He's washed up." "He'll break down after a year." I mean, how fucking ridicul - oh. Wait, shit. Well, fine - the inevitable Pedro rotator cuff/calf (calf?!?) blowout occurred earlier than we thought during last year's playoff run, but Petey's playing ability was not the driving force behind the signing in the first place. While we do not speak for all Mets fans, we like to think that those in the know are like us, and can appreciate that Omar Minaya's signing of Pedro was not about overpaying for an aging ace, but rather resurrecting a franchise.

It is no coincidence that the Mets' resurgence is tied almost directly to the day they signed Pedro. Except for ~~heartthrobs~~ All-Stars David Wright and Jose Reyes, the current collection of Mets are the direct result of the chain reaction started by Pedro. Carlos Beltran signed with the Mets because of Pedro. Carlos Delgado signed with the Mets (eventually) because of Pedro and Beltran. Billy Wagner, Paul Lo Duca, Moises Alou and others followed suit.

Not only that, but other Latinos decided that, because of Pedro, they now loved the Mets too. Twenty-one year old prospect Carlos Gomez, who by all accounts is the fucking bomb, has said that he signed with the Mets because of Pedro. Since they do not have professional teams of their own to root for, Latin American fans tend to follow whatever team their favorite players are playing for. Omar has been able to exploit the fickleness of his fellow Dominicans by opening baseball academies in the Dominican to reap the bounties that the beautiful country has to offer: middle infielders and lanky pitchers. Al Leiter certainly did not have this kind of pull.

Besides this obvious organizational impact, Pedro's numbers compared to pitchers with similar contracts are actually pretty good. For example:

Gil Meche

The Royals, of all teams, rewarded this stiff with an $11 million per year contract for having a "breakout" season with the Mariners last year: 11-8, 4.48 ERA, 24 HRs allowed. This contract makes Mo Vaughn seem like a bargain.

A.J. Burnett

Remember when he was considered really good? Yeah, we don't either. Over the last three years he's 29-26 with a high 3s ERA. We guess in Canada those numbers are good enough for $12 million per year over last four years of his contract.

Carl Pavano

This is kind of a dick inclusion, but the Carl Pavano Era in the Bronx should be enough to keep Pedro's name out of Yankees fans' mouths until Pavano is dead. Not only did he not pitch last year, but Pavano totally blows, save for his '04 season with the Marlins. He's 61-64 for his career with a 4.27 ERA. And anyone who thinks that he has anything left in the tank to justify $10 million, $11 million and $13 million contracts he has coming to him over the next three years is just an asshole.

Pedro will be back at some point this year. Or in time for the playoffs. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Pedro has already done enough for this franchise. We hope for a quick return, but in the meantime, may all his mangoes taste like Scarlett Johansson's vagina.

Fred Wilpon Does Not Care About Black People

2007-02-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

...or white people, or Latinos, and so on. As we mentioned in a previous post, the Mets have decided to shaft the more diehard fans of their organization and do away with advanced single game ticket sales to ticket plan holders. I have been able to put this injustice on the back burner the last few days - what with the news of Ambiorix Burgos' spring training dominance - however today, in a flashback to my college application days, I received my official digital "Fuck You" from the front office. Much like Syracuse and Skidmore before them, the Mets have told me that they want no part of me or my money.

The more I think about this, the more pissed off I get. The "fairness" argument is total garbage, but that's not why the Mets did this anyway. Those who support the ticket lottery are generally those who do not have a ticket plan. This makes sense on a basic level, but in the end it amounts to nothing more than pinko pussy communism. I'm as left leaning as they come, but I also believe that not all Mets fans deserve an equal chance to get hot tickets. Granted, some fans are more financially able than others, but if you really want seats for good games, you make sacrifices. I, for example, am poor. My most recent trip to the grocery store netted me six packages of Ramen noodles for $1. The building I live in frequently has it's hot water turned off because the homeless guy that takes out our garbage turns off the boiler so that he can get head in the basement in exchange for crack. I could probably be living at a much more ballin' level, but I do not. Why? Because I make sacrifices. Sacrifices that include two Mets ticket plans, jerseys, t-shirts, hats, and my officially licensed Pedro Feliciano cockring. My family had a season box for eight years. I have had a partial ticket plan for going on six years. I firmly believe that this level of diehardness entitles me to special perks.

However, despite whatever naive notions of "fairness" that the rubes who support this ticket lottery may harbor, fairness is not why the Mets have resorted to this level of buttfuckery. When the Mets started offering these ticket plans, it is because they blew. Fans did not want to lay out money to watch Roberto Alomar's surly ass. So the way they suckered fans in was to offer them little bonuses like guaranteed access to Opening Day, Subway Series, and playoff tickets. Like a battered wife who is convinced she can change her man, I kept coming back. Now that the Mets actually have a team worth watching, they decided that these small luxuries are no longer necessary. Seven packs no longer include Opening Day and a Yankees game - you get one or the other. Weekday and weekend plan holders no longer get presale access to single game tickets. I have had a better taste left in my mouth after my last hot carl.

Fred Wilpon and Sterling Equities are certainly not short on cash. I understand that business is business, but this motherfucker is already wealthier than most fans could ever dream of being, operates a successful professional sports team in the biggest market in the country, owns his own television network, and will soon be pulling in $20 million per year off of the CitiField sponsorship alone. A little loyalty to those who have supported his team through thick and thin is not too much to ask. I hope he enjoys a stadium full of Yankee fans come this May.

The Mets have not heard the end of end of this grave injustice from Out In The Wilderness. Details to follow.

Mo Food Helps Mo' Families In Brooklyn

2007-02-06T20:13:00.000-05:00

Good story about Mo Vaughn and his post-baseball ventures at I Dislike Your Favorite Team today. A shady landlord in Professor Reyes' home borough was attempting to evict his tenants in order to convert his building into an "emergency homeless shelter" in order to suckle $6 million off of the government teat. Mo and his business partner, who have been very active in preserving and promoting low-income housing in the metro area, stepped in, and, with the help of the tenants, purchased the building for $21 million and promised to invest millions more to make renovations. Besides being a heartless fuck, the landlor is named Abdur Rahman Farrakhan, so you know he is funding terrorist activities somewhere out there.

To read the New York Post story, click here.

2007 Opening Day Ticket Sales: Box Office Hose Job or Egalitarian Triumph?

2007-02-05T21:07:00.001-05:00

While we were respectively working and sleeping this afternoon, attempting to ignore the fact that a man who looks like a grown fetus was the MVP of the 2007 Super Bowl, we received some very disturbing news via email from our New York Mets: we were cordially invited, along with every other dickwad who has ever given their email address to mets.com, to register for our only chance to purchase single game tickets to Opening Day. Immediately perturbed by this, we called the Mets ticket office to confirm.

"Hi, I'm a Saturday ticket plan holder, so I'll get my usual presale opportunity to purchase Opening Day tickets before all of the other assholes, right?"

"No, sir."

"But, but, the last four years that's how I've gotten my Opening Day tickets!"

"Sir, everyone has to register for the ticket lottery this year."

"Really?"

"Really."

Fuck.

Having briefly discussed this with two of my fellow Mets fans, and perusing the comment section of the thread dealing with this issue on metsblog, we quickly realized that Mets fans fall into two camps on this, with virtually no exceptions: "Plan Holders Who Feel Like They Just Had a Souveneir Bat Shoved In Their Urethra" and "Those Too Cheap To Pony Up For a Ticket Plan Now Basking In The Possibility To Get Decent Opening Day Seats." We fall into the former category.

After initially purchasing our Saturday Plan in 2001 with the intention of getting guaranteed playoff tickets for what we assumed would be a decade of Mets dominance (God did that backfire), we also came to love our mini-plan because it gave us the opportunity to purchase single game tickets, for any game, before the rest of the general ticket buying public. While we were not extended such outstanding perks offered to season ticket holders, such as the opportunity to tour the Kiner's Korner "studio" in the bowels of Shea Stadium, we were more than satisfied with this B-list VIP treatment.

It is understandable that a lot of people would bitch about this practice. The typical complaint is that the Mets, and most professional sports teams in general, are simply catering to the richer fans who can afford to buy season tickets or a partial ticket plan. We can sympathize with these cheap fuckers to an extent, but at the same time, ticket plan holders should receive some perks besides a crappy stadium tour in the dead of winter or leather mouse pad (yes, our reward for purchasing three seats for thirteen games last year was one leather mouse pad). Ticket plans are relatively inexpensive ($103 for a 7 Pack in the Upper Deck) and provide some insurance against fair weather fans scooping up all of the tickets to good games. For example, by opening up "Platinum" games to anyone with an email address, the Mets are all but inviting Yankee fans to load up on Subway Series tickets. By offering single game Platinum tickets to ticket holders first, Mets fans can be sure that Shea will be packed with (mostly) other Met fans come May.

As much as this new policy may blow, we have hedged our bets and purchased an additional ticket plan that includes an Opening Day ticket, bringing our game count for this year to twenty. We expect our mouse pad to be shipped shortly.

Big Fucking Dipshit Banned From Shea

2007-01-24T20:47:00.000-05:00

For anyone who missed this story, 18 year old Ryan Leli was fined $1,000 and banned from Shea Stadium, KeySpan Park and the Mets spring training complex for three years yesterday in Queens Criminal Court. Why? For impersonating an NBC reporter in order to sneak into the vistors clubhouse while the San Diego Padres were visiting so that he could pop a chub next to his hero, Mike Piazza. Since we are sure that most of our readers do not have a nytimes.com account, click this link to read si.com's (shittier) account of this story.

At first, we thought that maybe Ryan was like one of those autistic kids who break into the LIRR stations to stare at the trains, but then we saw this picture of him with his collar popped and realized that, yeah, he's just a huge douchebag.

Who Wears Short Jorts?

2006-11-30T17:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes - it's been a while since Out In The Wilderness has brought you, our friends and immediate family, any Mets news to brighten your work/school day. To be honest, we have been in a deep funk since October, from which we are just starting to recover. For a while, we swore off anything Mets related in an effort to heal the gaping, vagina shaped wound left in our souls from the NLCS. That, coupled with Big Mackey Sasser's preparation for the GREs and Professor Reyes' ~~numerous strip club trips~~ ongoing legal education, have kept us away from the computer for too long.

But fear not. If O.J. can get over killing his wife, Out In The Wilderness can bounce back from a Game 7 loss that never should have happened. What is it, you ask, that we will be opining about in our valiant return to blogging? Could it be Tom Glavine's waffling between signing with the Mets or Braves? The devastating loss of Chad Bradford to the Orioles? Perhaps the shitty name of the Mets new ballpark? No, no and no. Today we address a burning question much more crucial to the outcome of the 2007 season: Which current Met is the most likely to wear jorts?

Jorts. Quite possibly the biggest fashion tragedy to afflict white people since the advent of the popped collar. Jorts are mainly concentrated in the Midwest, however there are brave souls throughout the country who are willing to sacrifice decency and self-respect in order to obtain the stylishness of denim and the comfort of pants cuffed above the knee. Jorts are usually accessorized by sneakers made by a company who has no business making shoes in the first place, such as Starter or Champion. The jorts phenomenon affects each of us in a similar manner to homosexuality - if it's not true about you, you definitely have a friend or family member suffering from the tragic disease.

The following is the official Out In The Wilderness line on which Met is the most likely to show up to a charity event in Queens boldly wearing their freshest jorts:

Tom Glavine

25 to 1

A quick Google image search of Tom Glavine turned up this gem, and to be honest, this is exactly how we pictured Tommy G. when he is not wearing his uniform - pleated khakis, ugly mock turtleneck/windbreaker and presumably some Reebok turf shoes. Spending the bulk of his career playing in the south certainly would lead one to believe that Glavine has an arsenal of Lee jorts in his closet, but he just seems a little to classy and established to throw self respect to the wind. Plus, we have always pictured Glavine keeping his black mid-calf dress socks on while banging his wife after a night out, and frankly someone like that just would not wear jorts.

Ramon Castro

14 to 1

Ramon seems like a mortal lock to wear some form of jorts, however this leads us to an important sociological and cultural crossroads - there is a world of difference between jorts and denim shorts. "Jorts" as a fashion statement are specific to caucasians 99% of the time. They are typically tighter fitting and hemmed at or well above the knee. The esteemed gentleman on the left is a prime example of how white people should wear their jorts. Denim shorts, on the other hand, are usually favored by cooler, mostly non-white individuals and are exponentially more acceptable to wear in public. Occasionally in the outskirts of the suburbs you will still see white children wearing South Pole denim shorts that look like baggy capris, however these kids are inbred and will most likely be wiped out when a tornado rips through their trailer park.

Ramon is definitely the kind of guy who shows up shitfaced to the Puerto Rican Day Parade wearing denim shorts and a red, white and blue "Boricua" do-rag and winds up stabbing someone at the end of the day. For that, we love him.

Paul Lo Duca

8 to 1

With apologies to Professor Reyes, let us be brutally honest about one thing - metro area Italian men do not know how to dress themselves. And this is coming from a guy who wore the same pair of Banana Republic khakis and a rotation of New York Rangers jerseys every day during his hopelessly celibate high school days. That said, your average Italian man from the New York/New Jersey area is caught in the vicious goomba fashion cycle in which his appearance is so derided that it almost seems as though he leaves the house in his velour track suit simply to spite those who mock him.

Brooklyn Paulie's Italian heritage means that "jorts" is written somewhere in his DNA. That, paired with the time he spent in white trash mecca Southern Florida, make him a sure favorite to show up at your Fourth of July barbecue in a wife beater and jean shorts. However there is one Met that has found a way to one up Lo Dough Boy...

Mike Pelfrey

2 to 1

...and that man is Mike Pelfrey. Seriously, this man exudes "jorts" wherever his travels may take him. We have never seen Pelfrey in jorts, so we cannot independently confirm this speculation, but there are several important factors that have led to our hypothesis. First, Mike was born in Wichita. Mike went to college in Wichita. Mike has probably never left Wichita save for college road games and to attend neighboring county fairs. And as we all know, Kansas is stuck in some kind of Midwest time warp where people believe that dinosaurs died out 600 years ago, anal sex is illegal and the flat top is a stylish hair cut. Kansans, like Palestinians, are progress resistant. They will be wearing jorts for years after the rest of white America bucks this awful, awful trend.

Additionally, Pelfrey is very tall. 6' 7" to be exact. While jorts do their best to humiliate the wearer regardless of size, they truly look their best on the very fat and the very tall. Since jorts come in a relatively standard inseam size, Mike's jorts probably end at least five inches before his knee. This is an ideal length for those hoping to optimize their jorts. The only way to top naturally short jorts would be to make homemade jorts out of a pair of Wrangler jeans whose torn knee make them no longer functional for cold weather wear, thus leading to the highly desirable shredded jort hemline.

To close, we offer a special tip of the cap to Jeff Wilpon who clearly cleaned out the "Ugly Vertically Striped Shirt" rack at Loehmans for draft day photo ops. And we thought Italian men didn't know how to dress...

After spending two hours coming up with a post about men's fashion, I will now retreat to my bedroom in an attempt to locate my balls and take comfort in the fact that none of my teams are coached by Tom Coughlin. More posts to follow as we inch closer to spring training.

Mets Bats, Aaron Heilman Collaborate To Take Sloppy Shit On Blog Writers

2006-10-22T14:19:00.000-04:00

Associated Press
Flushing, New York

Citing an increasingly excited and mobilized fan base, the New York Mets decided to piss away their season on Thursday night at Shea Stadium. After a 97 win season and NLDS sweep of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the team decided that advancing to the World Series would be spoiling their fans. Specifically mentioned in the reason for their collapse were New York City bloggers Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes.

"We realized that winning Game 7 of the NLCS was really a lot for our fans to ask of us," said Mets GM Omar Minaya. "The fact that we got to lose at home, and against a pisspoor Cardinals team, made it that much sweeter."

After deciding that Shea needed to look like an Ohio roller derby match by issuing all fans in attendance white towels to wave around during failed rallies, the Mets made a decision at the organizational level to completely shit the bed in Game 7.

"I have to admit, I got a little nervous up in the owners box around the sixth inning," said Chief Operating Officer Jeff Wilpon. "We figured that Oliver Perez and his 6.55 regular season ERA would guarantee a blowout, but Ollie really shocked us Thursday night. I guess in the end, the tease that his outstanding performance provided made the loss that much more entertaining."

Despite Perez's four hit, one run masterpiece, Mets bats provided the limp dicked performance necessary for a soul crushing loss. Third baseman David Wright set the tone with his 4 for 25 LCS meltdown. "Yeah, I was swinging the bat pretty good this year," the All-Star starter said, "but it just wouldn't have been right if that carried over to the NLCS. I realized that giving it 110% just wasn't what I'm all about. Who needs base knocks in the gap when you have Vitamin Water photo shoots to worry about?"

Wright was not alone. Mets manager Willie Randolph also figured prominently into the equation. After Jose Valentin and Endy Chavez had consecutive base hits in the bottom of the ninth, conjuring memories of 1986 for Mets fans, Randolph decided to forego the logical move of bunting his runners over and instead opted to have hobbling leftfielder Cliff Floyd pinch hit. Said Randolph, "that crossed my mind. I won't lie. But why would I want runners on second and third with one out and two of my best contact hitters coming up?"

Completing the collective scrotum kick of Met fans was reliever Aaron Heilman. Heilman, who had performed outstandingly since set up man Duaner Sanchez was injured in a car accident over the summer, served up a two run homerun to light hitting Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina in the top of the ninth inning. "That was a great moment for me," Heilman told reporters after the game. "I mean, I wanted to ensure that Ollie's great start went for naught, and I still really want to be a starter. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than to come out a drop a giant deuce on the mound in Game 7 of the NLCS?"

Surprising to many fans and members of the press was that the Mets specifically targeted two specific fans in the loss: resident New York City bloggers Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes. According to Jay Horowitz, Vice President of Media Relations, a big part of this decision was financial. "Well, with Sasser making less than our bat boys and Reyes worrying about paying back extensive law school loans, we felt that this was really the right decision to make. Considering that those two have probably spent upwards of $6,000 on tickets since 2001, not to mention countless amounts on t-shirt jerseys and Mo Vaughn bobbleheads, losing at home in the NLCS in front of these two fans was just the tits. We're talking icing on the cake here."

Mets players echoed Horowitz's sentiment. According to veteran bench player Julio Franco, "things have been going a little too well for those guys recently." When pressed for details, Franco mentioned the recent addition of a flat screen HDTV to Reyes' living room, their celebrity status at Manhattan bar The Big Easy, and the rumor that Sasser's girlfriend recently tea bagged him.

"I mean, are you kidding me?," said centerfielder Carlos Beltran. "We really wanted to stick it to those two maricones, but tea bagging? And Reyes' upcoming law school graduation? We didn't want him to have a World Series championship behind him while he was preparing for the bar exam. Seriously, fuck those guys."

Minaya said that the Mets are confident that their strong core of young players and offseason plans to obtain a leftfielder and front line starter will guarantee that Mets fans will be sure to suffer postseason gut punches for the rest of the decade. "We did good this year. But next year we're hoping for better. Hopefully, we'll be able to make it to the World Series next year and have a bukkake party on our fans in front of a national audience. Hey, a man can dream."

John Maine Will Eat Your Children

2006-10-19T07:29:00.000-04:00

Reigning Cy Young Award Winner? Bullshit. Chris Carpenter is not fit to eat an oatmeal raisin cookie out of John Maine's ass. John Maine, the 25 year old throw-in in the Anna Benson trade, cares not for Carpenter's seven hits and two runs over six innings. Why? Because Chris Carpenter is not badass. A badass gets on the mound in the biggest game of his career and uses his right arm to wipe those homoerotic Speizio soul patches off of an entire city of jorts clad fans.

As we speak, John Maine is perched high above the Grand Central Expressway in his room at the Ramada freebasing caviar made not from Russian salmon, but from the eggs of B-list Hollywood starlets. John Maine's shit is used as currency in most Central American nations. His style is impetuous. His defense is impregnable. He is that ferocious. Right now French women are lining up at the Clinique counter to purchase the much awaited new scent, "Eau de John Maine's Gooch." While travelling to the Great Barrier Reef between starts, John Maine tracked down the stingray that speared the Crocodile Hunter. And raped it. If given the proper resources, John Maine would most definitely help George Clooney solve that thing over there.

The Mets had to win last night. Not in a gay, "If we don't win it's over, guys!" kind of way, but because that is the way this season has gone. The Mets managed to win 97 games this year while using 13 pitchers - one of which was Jose Lima. When the season got to the point where our livelihood rested on the shoulders of a man who is barely older than us and brings his dip cup to the post game press conference, we did not flinch. Why? Because John Maine is that badass.

Why Our Team Is Better Than Yours: St. Louis Cardinals Edition

2006-10-09T12:29:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhh, what a great morning to be American. It's beautiful outside in the City, the Yankees are in a state of complete disarray and we have the day off. You know what that means - Price is Right, mid-morning masturbation and a long overdue post on the state of our New York Mets.

As the eight of you who read this blog are well aware, the Mets handily defeated the Dodgers on Saturday night - thereby proving 7 of your favorite ESPN douchebags wrong. A special shout goes out to Sean McAdam, John Shea, Eric Karabell, Pedro Gomez, Alan Schwarz, Rob Neyer and Jim Caple who incorrectly picked EVERY SINGLE SERIES in the opening round of the MLB playoffs. This almost defies mathematic probability. If we are ever on an airplane with any of these assholes, we will be sprinting for the emergency exit as it will almost certinaly crash.

We could not feel better about this team heading into the NLCS. Despite a starting rotation that featured the number 2, 5 and 7 starters, the Mets still tittyfucked fat Tommy Lasorda and the Dodgers due to outstanding work from the bullpen and a balanced lineup that featured different players getting hot at the right time (tip of the hat to Shawn Green in Game 3). So, as Maury tries to figure out who the father really is, we will let you know why the Mets will win this series. Seriously...just ask Jim Caple.

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Yadier Molina

Paul Lo Duca has simply not stopped hitting this year. While some players crumble under the pressure of the New York media (see: Rodgriguez, Alex) Paulie has fought through a thumb injury, gambling allegations and Myspace vixens. His solid play carried over to the NLDS where he hit .455 with a .500 OBP. Molina hit a respectable .308, but his OBP was also .308. There is no reason for us to believe that Paul will stop now. Viva Lo Dough Boy.

Advantage: Mets

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Albert Pujols

For all of the hype about Nomar, the Dodgers did not have that one player who can change a game with one swing of the bat. That said, Pujols is the ONLY player on the Cardinals that actually scares us. The man is beast. Delgado actually hit better than Prince Albert during the NLDS (.429, 1 HR, 2 RBI vs. .333, 1 HR, 3 RBI). Delgado also struck out less (3 Ks vs. 4Ks), but Poo-holes is still in the Ryan Howard, Barry Bonds Pre-steroid Breakdown category of players who should be walked or pitched around whenever possible.

Advantage: Cardinals

Second Base: Jose Valentin vs. Ronnie Belliard

Has it all come crashing down on the Stache? Is his Cinderella season grinding to a premature halt? We do not think so. Despite a dismal NLDS (0 hits in 9 ABs), we are not ready to give up on Jose. Belliard had a good NLDS (6/13, 2 RBI), but he is still the player who hit .237 with 23 RBI in 54 games for the Cards this season. Plus, he looks like a total dipshit. We'll take the mustache over the cornrows.

Advantage: Mets

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. David Eckstein

Josie reverted to his '05 form during most of the NLDS, swinging at pitches that even Rey Ordonez would have layed off of, but at the end of the day, he is a much better player. Reyes hit .167 with a .286 OBP in the Dodgers series as opposed to Eckstein's .133 - .188 versus the Padres, but comparing those numbers is like reading a Special Olympics box score and claiming that the guy with Down Syndrome who finished the race in 2 hours is a better athlete than the blind guy who finished in 2 and a half. Jose's .300/19 HRs/81 RBI/64 SBs totally cockslap Eckstein's .292/2 HRs/23 RBI/7 SBs during the regular season. When all's said and done, our money is on the goyim.

Advantage: Mets

Third Base: David Wright vs. Scott Rolen

In our opinion, the torch for NL thirdbasemen was passed this year with Wright's selection as the starter for the All-Star game. While the All-Star game carries the same importance as the World Baseball Classic, which itself was about as fun as the women's bronze medal hockey showdown in the Olympics, it symbolized Wright's emergence as the premier player at the position. Rolen had an abysmal NLDS, going 1 for 11 with no RBI. Meanwhile Wright, in his first playoff appearance, batted .333 with 4 RBI. Rolen is still a solid player, but we certainly would not be shitting ourselves if he came up with two outs and runners on in the seventh.

Advantage: Mets

Rightfield: Shawn Green vs. Juan Encarnacion

Shawn Green so thoroughly stunk up rightfield at Shea during Game 1 of the NLDS that he sat in favor of Endy Chavez in Game 2. However, much as Moses led his people out of Egypt thousands of years ago, Shawn Green led the offensive attack Saturday night and delivered his team to the NLCS. Green rebounded from his heinous Game 1 performance to finish the series with a .333 average, 2 2Bs, 2 RBI and a .556 slugging percentage. Encarnacion hit .286 with a .313 OBP and .429 SLG. Look for Shawn Green to continue hitting well with the Cardinals throwing no lefties in this series.

Advantage: Mets

Centerfield: Carlos Beltran vs. Jim Edmonds

We have officially come to the conclusion that this postseason will not be a repeat of Carlos' '04 run with the Astros that warranted his $119 million contract. He hit .222 during the first round, but drew 5 walks and sported an impressive .500 OBP. Edmonds, who is years past his prime, hit .308 against the Padres, but only hit .257 with 19 HRs during the regular season. Beltran's MVP caliber regular season gives him the distinct edge over Edmonds in this head to head match up, but we're kind of hoping the Cardinals find a way to trade for Kenny Lofton during the next two days. For comedy's sake.

Advantage: Mets

Leftfield: Endy Chavez vs. Preston Wilson

According to the Daily News, Cliff Floyd is likely out for the remainder of the post season after aggravating his Achilles injury during Game 3 of the Dodgers series. The Mets will most likely add everyone's favorite thug Lastings Milledge to the roster as an extra outfielder and let Endy Chavez start in left. We are torn about this news. While Cliff showed signs of life during the NLDS, he was clearly playing in pain both in the field and on the basepath. The team is probably better served having Endy in left for the rest of the playoffs, but we love Cliff. He has been there through all of the Phillips/Duquette disasters and deserves a World Series appearance more than any other Met. That said, Endy Chavez continued his brilliant season by going 3 for 8 with a .375 OBP in a start and a half in the NLCS. Preston Wilson went 2 for 8 with the same OBP during his series with the Pads. This match up is probably a wash, but we have watched every Met game this year and Endy's knack for getting the big hit gives him the edge.

Advantage: Mets

Starting Pitching

The much maligned Mets pitching staff was phenomenal during the first round. John Maine, who lives in a Ramada in Flushing, Queens and walks to and from the stadium, had a wonderful start, surrendering only 1 run in 4.1 innings. Tom Glavine then one upped him with his 4 hitter in 6 innings in game 2. And while Trachsel looked a little shaky in LA, he is a servicable starter who matches up well with the stiffs the Cardinals will be putting on the mound. The pitching match ups for the first three games of the NLCS are as follows: Glavine vs. Weaver Game 1, Maine vs. Suppan Game 2, and Trachsel vs. Carpenter Game 3. If we were Cardinals fans, we would have a hard time taking our team seriously with Jeff Weaver on the mound for Game 1 of the NLCS. The guy seriously blows. Chris Carpenter, who was predictably solid during the NLDS, is the only pitcher that makes us nervous going into this series. The fact that the Cardinals are scheduled to pitch three or four marginal right handed pitchers against the Mets gives the Mets a decided advantage.

Advantage: Mets

Bullpen

As expected, the best bullpen in baseball played like it during the NLDS. In 13.1 innings, Mets relievers gave up 8 runs and recorded two of the three wins for the series. Perhaps most importantly, Billy Wagner showed that his meltdown against the Yankees this summer was an isolated incident and that he is capable of nailing down wins on the big stage. The Cardinals bullpen was also solid during their NLDS series, but they have one glaring flaw that almost guarantees a series loss: Braden Looper is in their bullpen. Couple that with the fact that they do not have a real closer and it makes the bullpen breakdown a slam dunk for the Mets.

Advantage: Mets

Perhaps it was for the best that the "experts" at the World Wide Leader trashed the Mets starters prior to the NLDS. The Mets certainly were not the underdogs going into the Dodgers series, but it was much more fun to watch them shock everyone who had not watched them play on a regular basis this season. We feel good about this team, and perhaps there is no better testament to the importance of having a good clubhouse than the fact that the Mets have advanced while the Yankees are trying clean up the steaming pile of dog shit currently enveloping the Bronx. The Mets are finally the only baseball team in New York and we couldn't be happier.

Why Our Team Is Better Than Yours: Los Angeles Dodgers Edition

2006-10-02T10:17:00.000-04:00

We have known since, oh, about mid-June that the Mets were going to be in the playoffs. What we did not know at that time was how much the rest of the National League blew. Now that the dust has finally settled in the NL West and the Mets have drawn the powerhouse that is the Los Angeles Dodgers, it is time to bring you the official Out In The Wilderness NLDS preview.

Unlike other baseball sites and blogs, we are not here to tell you why each one of these teams could win this series. As Tom Singer of MLB.com writes, one of the reasons that the Dodgers will win this series is because "It's their town. They'll just hire better scriptwriters." Wow. It's gay previews like this that inspire us to bring slightly less gay breakdowns of our own. We will not waver. We will flop our nuts on the table in a display of unbridled confidence and declare the Mets the winner of this series. Here is why:

Catcher: Paul Lo Duca vs. Russel Martin

We were a little wary when the Mets traded for Paul Lo Duca this past offseason. After coming to grips with the fact that Mike Piazza would no longer be frosting his tips in the Mets clubhouse, we assumed that Omar would go out and get a good defensive catcher who could hit too. After making a half-assed attempt to land Ramon Hernandez and one of the Molinas, the Mets plucked Brooklyn Paulie from the sinking, flaming sewage barge that passes for a professional baseball team in Miami. Since then he has been one of the most consistent Mets and has served as an ideal 2 hitter, despite the fact that he might lose to Mo Vaughn in a foot race.

Martin's power numbers are slightly better than Lo Duca's (10 HR, 65 RBI vs. 5 HR, 49 RBI) and they have identical OBPs (.355), however we'll take Paulie's BA (.318), hits (163) and strikeout ratio (once every 13 ABs) over Martin's .282, 117 and 1 strikeout per 7 ABs. Defensively they are comparable as well, with Martin throwing out 32 would be basestealers (31%) and Lo Dough Boy gunning down 27 (24%).

On paper, you could make an argument for either of these catchers. But in the playoffs, on stages set in New York and LA, we'll take the guy who has a sac so large that he cheats on his Playboy model wife with some dumpy Italian girls from Long Island because he KNOWS he'll come across some better poon once he is a World Series champion. Plus, Martin is a rookie. And Canadian. You lose motherfucker!

Advantage: Mets

First Base: Carlos Delgado vs. Jeff Kent

If all had gone as planned for the Dodgers, this breakdown would be Carlos Delgado vs. Nomar, however the Daily News is reporting that Nomar is injured, forcing LA to shift Kent to first and play Julio Lugo at second. Now, we have not really given a shit about Jeff Kent ever since he "fell off his truck while washing it," but after looking at his numbers for the season, we are thoroughly unimpressed. Kent batted a respectable .292, but he only hit 14 home runs with 68 RBI this year. Even if Kent were the secondbaseman, he would still get mushroom stamped by the mighty Jose Valentin. Putting him against Carlos Delgado is just unfair. And, by the way, there is no fucking way Nomar is "Comeback Player of the Year." More on that later.

Advantage: Mets

Second Base: Jose Valentin vs. Julio Lugo

For the last two years, we Met fans have been hearing rumors about Julio Lugo. After Julio successfully defecated on Big Mackey's fantasy team last year, we failed to see what all the hype was about. We guess when you play in Tampa, even marginally good players get overvalued. In 49 games with LA this year, Lugo is hitting a whopping .219, has hit 0 dongs and knocked in a paltry 10 runs. Meanwhile, the Stache is hitting .271 with 18 homers (!) and 62 RBI, all the while making $4 million less. Throw in Jose's playoff experience and slick fielding (.988 fielding percentage vs. Lugo's .875 with the Dodgers) and you have a clear winner at second.

Advantage: Mets

Does everyone named Jose Valentin have a sweet mustache? We think so!

Shortstop: Jose Reyes vs. Rafael Furcal

Furcal is probably the best all around player on the Dodgers, but we are still giving this one to the Mets. Tom Singer, the same d-bag who thinks the Dodgers can win this series because they have come from behind all year (which to us would imply that they are shitty and always losing after 5 innings) declared LA to have the advantage at short. While Furcal has had a more than acceptable year, Reyes matches or beats him in almost every significant statistical category. Both hit .300, and Reyes wins in HRs (19 - 15), RBI (81 - 63), triples (17 - 9), OPS (.841 - .814), stolen bases (64 - 37) and strikeouts (81 - 98). Reyes is also having a better year in the field (.971 fielding % vs. .966). He is without a doubt the most entertaining player to watch in baseball and makes $8 million less than Furcal. Tom Singer can lick our balls.

Advantage: Mets

Third Base: David Wright vs. Wilson Betemit

This is hardly worth breaking down. Betemit is not an awful player, but he has hit .241 since joining the Dodgers with 9 homeruns and 24 RBI. Starting NL All-Star thirdbaseman David Wright, while slumping for about two months, merely hit .311 with 26 HRs with 113 RBI and added 20 steals. We're not gay, but we are willing to bet that even our moms would be happy if we brought home D. Wright.

Advantage: Mets

Dave Wright...a true man of the people.

Rightfield: Shawn Green vs. J.D. Drew

If there is a G-d, he is most certainly going to smite us for picking Drew, especially during Yom Kippur, but we will give this one to the Dodgers. He is grossly overpaid, went to Florida State (eww) and will forever be a douche for the whole signing holdout fiasco, but the fact of the matter is his numbers this year are superior. L'chaim.

Advantage: Dodgers

Centerfield: Carlos Beltran vs. Perennial Clubhouse Cancer Kenny Lofton

Really? Kenny Lofton? Next matchup, please.

Advantage: Mets

Leftfield: Cliff Floyd vs. Andre Ethier

AAA callup Andre Ethier put up very respectable numbers (.308, 11 HRs, 55 RBI) in 126 games for LA this year, while in New York, Cliff Floyd's Achilles played the Ike to his body's Tina, beating him mercilessly all year. Cliff still managed to put up 11 HRs and 44 RBI in only 97 games, but he was a shadow of his '05 self this year. Endy Chavez, who has been incredible this year, also figures to see significant playing time in left, but we cannot in good conscience claim that Cliff Floyd gives the Mets an "advantage" right now. He is still a presence in the lineup, but we'll give this one to the Dodgers.

Advantage: Dodgers

Starting Pitching

Many in the mainstream media - or more specifically the hacks at ESPN - have overblown the fact that Pedro Martinez will be out for the entire playoffs. What people who have not followed the Mets all year fail to realize is that Pedro has been virtually a non-factor all year (the Mets were 11-12 in games he started). His clubhouse presence is invaluable and he has done more to make this team relevant again than Steve Phillips and Jim Duquette could ever have hoped to have done, but on the mound he has been far from the ace the Mets paid him to be. The Mets found ways to win with Dave Williams, Oliver Perez and John Maine all year, while posting the second lowest team ERA in the NL, and they will continue to find ways to win in the postseason.

The first three games of this series will feature El Duque, Tom Glavine and Steve Trachsel against Derek Lowe, Hong-Chih Kuo and Greg Maddux. We feel that these six pitchers match up well, with Glavine having a slight edge over Maddux in the battle of the not quite washed up former Atlanta pitchers, and Lowe and El Duque both have postseason experience (Duque is 9-3 with a 2.55 ERA). Kuo, besides embarrassing the Mets earlier in the season, comes into this series with a 1-5 record and a 4.22 ERA. We are confident that there is no way the Mets can continue to suck as badly as they have against young lefthanded pitchers. If the Mets have the lead in the series going into Game 4, they are most likely going to start John Maine, who has had a very solid season (6-5, 3.60 ERA) and has given us reason to forgive Omar for the Jorge Julio trade. The fact that the Mets have two starters slated for the NLDS as a result of the Julio/Benson trades proves that Omar is nothing short of a genius. Eat shit Anna Benson.

Advantage: Wash

Bullpen

The Mets biggest strength all season has been the bullpen. When leading after six innings the Mets winning percentage is .865 and when leading after seven, .895 - both tops in the NL. In the pen for this series will be Aaron Heilman, Chad Bradford, Darren Oliver, Guillermo Mota, Roberto "Senor Smoke" Hernandez, Pedro Feliciano and Billy Wagner. We could not be happier. Wagner is the closer the Mets have been missing since the pre-John Franco Mob Tickets days, Mota has rediscovered himself as a power pitching set up man and Aaron Heilman has continued to pitch well since Duaner Sanchez went down.

In our opinion, the only notable Dodgers in their pen are set up man Jonathan Broxton and closer Takashi Saito. And as good as they are, Takashi is 36 years old. And Asian. We'll take Senor Smoke and the Sandman.

Advantage: Mets

Manager: Willie Randolph vs. Grady Little

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!! Wait, Grady Little is back in the playoffs? You are busting our balls, right? What happened to Jim Tracy? The only thing Grady's got going for him this time around is that Maddux removes himself from games after about 4 2/3.

Advantage: Mets

As you can see, the Mets clearly dominate almost every aspect of this NLDS matchup. They have power, speed, relief pitching and Latinos. If this is not a recipe for success, we don't know what is. Plus, do you know anyone from Los Angeles who isn't a tremendous douchebag? Yeah, we don't either.

Mr. Met Out, Pedro In

2006-09-28T16:30:00.000-04:00

It was not a pretty sight last night for Mets fans as we found out the hard way that Pedro Martinez is certainly not ready for the playoffs. Obviously, the first reaction of many is to push the panic button. After tossing and turning last night, thinking about where the Mets go from here, I thought of a solution that solves the Pedro problem while simaltaneously solving another longtime Met concern.

Mr. Met is hated by a lot of people, there is no denying that. My fellow contributor on this blog, Big Mackey Sasser, is the founding member of the "Mr. Met Must Die" fan club. With Pedro obviously not in a position to help the Mets in a pitching capacity, there has been no damage to his fun loving, jolly, and goofy personality. Some of you might see where I am going with this.

Put yourself in Shea Stadium for Game 1 next week. The crowd is going wild, the players have been introduced on the field, the half-assed fireworks display in center field has been shot up into the Flushing sky. Ask yourself this: Who do you want to see dancing on the dugout with a funny costume throwing t-shirts into the crowd? Some may say Mr. Met, I say none other than Pedro Martinez. Thats right, I am advocating taking Mr. Met off the postseason roster and putting in Pedro as our team mascot to get the players and fans pumped up for the playoffs.

We have seen glimpses of Pedro the Mascot. We saw him dress up as Carlos Delgado and walk around the dugout. We have seen him tie a baseball to a string and tease the fans in the front row. We have seen him put a garbage can on his head and pretend to be Ramon Castro. We have seen him play in the sprinkers like a 5 year old kid. Who better to represent the enthusiasm of the Mets than the biggest prankster on the team? I dont know if Omar Minaya or Fred Wilpon read this blog, but if they do I beg them to make this move. At this stage of Pedro's career, he is no longer helping the team on the pitching mound. His true value will come when he is holding a t-shirt gun and shooting Pepsi Party Patrol shirts into the Upper Deck. Mr. Met will be long forgotten and Pedro will usher in a new era of the baseball mascot. Signor Pedro, we need you now more than ever.

The 2006 Mets Outfield Casting Choices

2006-09-27T18:34:00.000-04:00

A movie about the 2006 Mets would not be complete without having established and quality actors portraying the dynamic Mets outfield. Word is in from Hollywood and the following actors will be patrolling the Shea outfield when the 2006 Mets movie hits the big screen:

Left Field: New York Undercover's Malik Yoba as Cliff Floyd

Center Field: John Leguizamo as Carlos Beltran

Right Field: Jerry Seinfeld as Shawn Green

The choices for the Mets pitching staff as well as the incredibly deep bench will be announced shortly.

Grading The Mets At Bat Songs

2006-09-27T18:25:00.000-04:00

Since our beloved Metropolitans have been taking a figurative dump on the heads of Big Mackey Sasser and Professor Reyes over the last few weeks, we have been forced to dig deeper into the minutiae of each and every game in order to entertain you, our six readers. As two brothers with an abundance of soul, we feel over qualified to bring you our evaluation of the songs that get our Mets pumped to go 0-3 with a walk against the Washington Nationals.

Paul Lo Duca

"Boogie Shoes" by KC and the Sunshine Band, "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.

We feel comfortable combining both of these songs, as they both equally blow. Perhaps these "jams" help Paulie channel his inner 1970s guido, when the girls he was banging were actually his age. We certainly cannot complain considering how well he's been hitting this year, but this shit makes us cringe every time number 16 waddles up to the plate.

Grade: D+

David Wright

"Brass Monkey" by the Beastie Boys

Back in eighth grade when we were just starting to sprout pubes, The Beastie Boys were the tits. When Licensed to Ill dropped in 1986, the B-Boys were still in their prime, what with their songs degrading women and gigantic inflatable penises on stage during shows. We wonder if David, who looks like the kind of wholesome kid who was always the designated driver in high school, has any clue that a Brass Monkey is the name of a cocktail containing 3 parts malt liquor and one part Sunny D. Either way, it's a fucking dope song.

Grade: A-

"We Right Here" by DMX

Our boy usually plays in his third at bat of the game. While Dark Man X has gotten progressively shittier over the past years, perhaps attributable to his penchant for crashing cars through gates at Kennedy airport, this song gets it sufficiently crunk at Shea. Much like when "My Niggas" comes on in Any Given Sunday, we can't help but get juiced when X, and in turn the Mets, announce "we not goin' ANY WHERE...we RIGHT HERE" in the bottom of the seventh. Grammar be damned.

Grade: B+

(Note: This song would have received a higher grade had David picked it out himself. This is undoubtedly the work of Cliff Floyd.)

Shawn Green

"Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band

We were slightly taken aback the first time we were at Shea when Green came up to this song. While we like Shawn, he looks like he is having about as much fun on the field as a prisoner at Dachau. He strikes us as the kind of guy who should come up to Nine Inch Nails or some depressing emo anthem. Most of the people who attend Dave Matthews concerts deserve to be Maced and given forced haircuts, but this is one of the Dave songs we actually like. It makes us feel like we are back on our finely manicured liberal arts college campus for a brief moment instead of at a cockfight in San Juan.

Grade: B

Cliff Floyd

Sanford and Son theme song

For years, Cliff has been our favorite player as far as at bat music goes. Cliffy has always been on the cutting edge of hip hop. During the '03 and '04 seasons, he would come up to songs that you could only find on mix tapes bought from the bootleggers on Canal Street. Even this year, he had been coming up to "Put 'Em In Their Place," probably the best song from Mobb Deep's otherwise forgettable Blood Money album. But...for whatever reason...Cliff now comes up to the theme song from Sanford and Son. We have yet to figure out the connection. If any of our readers know the answer to this, please let us know as soon as possible. We really do not have much love for Sanford and Son aside from the fact that it ushered black situational comedies into America's living rooms and helped to drive those honky motherfuckers the Brady's off the air.

Grade: C-

(UPDATE: We have been informed by one of our astute readers, who wishes to remain nameless due to his involvement in the slaying of Busta Rhymes' bodyguard, that Cliff plays this song because he used to watch Sanford and Son as a kid and this song makes him feel comfortable at the plate. Apparently, this song does not have the same effect on Cliff's achilles.)

Ramon Castro

Star Wars theme song

Why he comes up to this song we still do not know. Perhaps there is a connection between Ramon's gigantic gourd and the Death Star? It doesn't really matter. We fucking hate Star Wars.

Grade: F

Julio Franco

"People Get Ready Jesus Is Coming" by Crystal Lewis

Ok, as deeply, deeply disturbed as we are by this song, we have to admit that it is kind of catchy. Here at Out In The Wilderness we fully support a persons right to choose whichever religion
they'd like (Islam excluded. Fuckers.), however we cannot help but shake the feeling that most Christians are batshit crazy. However, if Jesus is what it is going to take to keep Julio alive through the 2012 season, which we believe when his contract with the Mets is up, then more power to him.

Grade: D

Blatantly absent in this empirical breakdown of Mets at bat songs are all of the songs attributed to hispanic players. Frankly, we do not care much for this music and haven't the first fucking clue what any of it means. Shit, we thought thought that that one Daddy Yankee song was about fueling up your '96 Cavalier when its actually about some Latina swallowing a Peter North sized load. This kind of confusion can bring nothing good to Out In The Wilderness. But hey, as long as the chuby Dominicanas with the basketball hoop sized earrings can shake their ass to it in the mezzanine, we're all for it.

2006 Mets Magic, 2006 Mets Movie?

2006-09-21T15:24:00.000-04:00

The Mets have so much magic surrounding them this year that it gets difficult to breathe sometimes. It is only a matter of time before this magic makes its way to the west coast and infects Hollywood movie producers with thoughts of putting the 2006 Mets on the big screen. Who would be cast to play the roles of these magical players? The movie would surely succeed at the box office. Here are our suggestions for the infield, with the outfield and pitching casting choices made next week:

First Base: Delroy Lindo as Carlos Delgado

Second Base: Borat as Jose Valentin

Third Base: Tobey McGuire as David Wright

Shortstop: Sisqo as Jose Reyes

Catcher: Joe Pesci as Paul LoDuca

Be on the lookout next week for the exclusive announcement concerning which celebrities will play the juicy roles of Cliff Floyd, Carlos Beltran, Shawn Green and more!

Jose Valentin, I Apologize

2006-09-21T14:32:00.000-04:00

Saying the Mets have had their fair share of washed up baseball players is like saying Chinese restaraunts have had their fair share of health code violations. Both are simply facts of life. It therefore should not have come as a surprise to my friends when, in April of this year, I directed my psychotic Mets fan rage at none other than Jose Valentin. Who could blame me? The Mets infield was ready to evolve into the slickest machine in the National League and maybe all of baseball. Adding Delgado to the gold mine of young talent on the left side of our infield put a swagger on the infield dirt that Mets fans had not seen since 1986, when Mets infielders would get piss drunk and beat the shit out of rednecks in Houston bars. Jose Valentin was simply the wrong puzzle piece to complete this potentially championship caliber infield.

After a few weeks of Anderson Hernandez disproving the myth that all young hispanic males are good at baseball, Jose Valentin was given a chance. I screamed, I yelled, I protested, but Willie Randolph wouldn't listen or more realistically couldn't hear my screams from my paint chipped Upper Deck seat. "What kind of championship team has Jose Fucking Valentin as a starting 2nd baseman?" I screamed from my seat while watching the Cascarino Pizza trucks race to Shea on Diamond Vision.

I viewed Valentin's addition to the infield the same way I viewed an overweight person pouring Creamy Italian dressing on a healthy salad. No matter how good that salad is, no matter how much that salad can get you where you need to be, that Creamy Italian dressing counterbalances the good and leaves the salad a fat, messy disaster, stifling any progress. This past April, Jose Valentin was Creamy Italian dressing, poured over a healthy and promising infield. The future looked bleek.

Jose Valentin blasted two home runs on Monday night, leading the Mets to their first Eastern Division championship in 18 years. Watching Valentin come out of the dugout for two curtain calls, I realized something: Creamy Italian dressing doesn't ruin the salad, it just makes it more delicious. I'm sorry I doubted you Jose Valentin. I apologize.

More Italians Love The Mets

2006-09-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

As if it weren't enough to have A-list celebrities like Matthew Broderick and Larry King's wife rooting the Mets on this post season, the Daily News broke a monstrous scoop today: walking meatball John Gotti, Jr., against the Dapper Don's wishes, is a huge Mets fan. Italian American Met fans haven't been this proud since the Mets offered Digiorno Pizza posters on "Italian Heritage Night" featuring pictures of Mike Piazza, John Franco and Bobby V.

"And We Say.....Shoot Me In The Balls!"

2006-09-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

Wanting to outdo themselves after the Baha Men recorded the smash hit of the 2000 World Series run, "Who Let The Mets Out," Z100 has recently released the new Mets anthem by Lucas Prata. Yes, Lucas Prata. The fat gavone you see on the left of this post. As you can tell from the scantily clad guidettes and shots of Lucas wearing a sleeveless t-shirt while sporting a fauxhawk, he knows how to fucking party. As I am writing this at 9:41 p.m., Luc P. is currently on myspace. How do I know this? Because the spinning Batman logo on his page tells me so!

Apparently the Mets were not embarassed enough by the "Our Team, Our Time" debacle, which I believe was a collabo between Carlton Banks and Jay Horowitz, to squash this song. Do the Mets really want to attract more people from Long Island to their games?

I need to go to the gym now and work on my delts so that I do not injure myself while fist pumping at the next Mets home game. Oh, and if you find yourself in the mecca that is Farmingdale, New York on October 8th, make sure you stop by ICE for teen night and you can catch Lucas rocking out. Hard.

9 Things We Would Do If We Were Fred Wilpon

2006-09-19T19:30:00.000-04:00

1. Shitcan the Shea D.J.

As I watched Cliff Floyd corral the final out of Tuesday's game, thus cementing the Mets' season long raping and pillaging of the admittedly weak National League, I would be lying if I said that the song choice to celebrate an 18 year divisional championship drought did not sully my mood. As any one who has been to Shea this year can tell you, the Mets inexplicably continue to play "Takin' Care of Business" after wins. Awesome. Nothing screams "fun" like a religious Canadian rock band that was popular in the '70s. I understand that there are certain stadium classics that we will always have to hear, but hearing this song after a big win is about as much fun as a wet fart.

The Mets have also added a fun new feature this season that takes place in the latter innings of the game. The Shea announcer gets on the PA and asks everyone to join in a sing along. Not an awful idea, but in true Mets form, the execution falls flat. The two songs I have heard repeatedly this year? "Sweet Caroline" and "Livin' on a Prayer." I'll tell you, nothing gets me more juiced for the end of a Mets game than hearing the respective theme songs of the Boston Red Sox and Jersey meatheads getting ready to go out and paint Belmar red.

The Mets need to immediately hire someone born after 1975, preferably black, to update the Shea playlist. The one thing I'll give them credit for though is playing "Torn" after a loss. Something about equating a Mets loss with a nude, emotionally destroyed woman feels delightfully misogynistic.

2. Decent Championship Gear

I am pretty sure that this stuff comes directly from MLB and they just slap a Mets logo on it, but the freshly released "NL East Champion" apparel is downright heinous. The 3/4 sleeve shirt that you saw Heath Bell's love handles bulging out of is actually made by Lee. As in Lee dungarees. I thought the only people who still rocked this shit were middle aged men fond of the cockpouch look. Not cool.

3. No More Japanese Players

I cannot stress this enough. This first came to head when I called into the Schmooz during my sophomore year of college to rail against Satoru Komiyama, aka The Japanese Greg Maddux. I was also one of the first people in the Northeast to express outrage at the Kaz Matsui signing. From Masato Yoshii to Tsuyoshi Shinjo (who, by the way, has returned to Japan to pursue his true dream of releasing nude photos of himself) to Hideo Nomo, the Mets and the Japanese just cannot get it right and continue to give my dad reason to make the obligatory, "This must be their way of geting back at us for Hiroshima" joke every time we go to Shea.

Now, I am by no means a xenophobe, but for fucks sake, STOP SIGNING JAPANESE PLAYERS. It's not that they are awful players (Kaz excluded) but they have inflated stats from hitting against star pitchers such as, oh, Masato Yoshii, and command outrageously expensive contracts when they make the jump to America.

4. Retire Some Numbers

The Mets currently have three retired numbers: 14 (Gil Hodges), 37 (Casey Stengel) and 41 (Tom Seaver). It's time to retire some more. Or, at the bare minimum, show a little respect to players like Gary Carter and living legend Keith Hernandez, whose exploits inspired this blog, and refrain from giving out their number. Keith has publicly vented his frustration after his number 17 was given to Met legends such as Dae Sung Koo and Jorge Julio. They do not need to retire all of the '86 Mets numbers, but a few would be a nice gesture and would get a great reaction from the fans. I can live with Wally Backman's number not being hung up over the left field wall, but a little piece of me hurts every time I see a picture of Joe Orsulak wearing it.

5. Kill Mr. Met

This is a very polarizing topic among my friends and I. Some people love Mr. Met, some people thing that he does for Met fans what minstrel shows do for black people. Personally, I would like to see him go, but not just phased out. I would make a promotion out of it in which the Diamondvision shows a video of Mr. Met falling in front of the 7 train, followed by a funeral procession and burial in the patch of grass on the hill along the left field line. That would be the tits.

6. Do Some Decent Promotions

Shea promotions have not always blown. I remember when they used to give out Starting Lineup figures, towels with beer logos on them, bobbleheads and entire sets of Mets baseball cards. In the 13 Saturday home games that I've been to this year as part of my ticket package, I have received a package of assorted cocoa butters, a sports bag that is guaranteed to explode if I try to put so much as a pair of sneakers in it and a visor that was almost certainly sewn together by the Malaysian children who are not skilled enough to work at the local Nike plant. I supposed it's a double edged sword these days, as the Mets are playing so well that they no longer need to give out crappy prizes to get people to the park. My suggestion is, next time the Wilpons are considering putting a $21 million dollar contract in front of The Japanese Vlad Guerrero, take it back and give out some badass t-shirts through out the season. Get Copenhagen to sponsor a Billy Wagner spittoon event. Give away those sweatbands that Pedro always has on in the dugout. Issue everyone over the age of 65 a colostomy bag with a picture of Steve Philips on it. Beats the shit out of Women's Totebag Night.

7. Bring Back Half Priced Sodas

After the Mets went to the World Series in 2000, two friends and I bought the Mets Saturday Plan thinking that we would be getting in on years of quality baseball. And then we got Mo Vaughn. What ensued were 4 years of dog shit baseball. One of the bonuses of this era however was that the Mets felt so bad for trotting out a first baseman who had Bear Claws thrown at him in Los Angeles that they began offering half price sodas after the seventh inning of games that they were probably losing. This was outstanding. I was usually spitting out my third pinch of Skoal by this point in the game and a $2 Mountain Dew was ideal to keep me hydrated on the drive back to Connecticut.

8. Institute Seat Downgrade Contest

About halfway through each game, the Mets Party Patrol finds some doofy looking family in decent upper deck or mezzanine seats and gives them a seat upgrade to field level. Gay. I mean, it's cool for them, but I want something better than this or Cascarino's pizza truck races to keep me entertained between innings. Here's what they need to do: in the fourth inning, find a fan in the upper deck, preferably one who is drunk. Give that fan a chance to answer a moderately hard trivia question. If he gets it right, he and his drunk buddy get to go down to field level, where their "Hey Chippuh, you suck!" cheers can be appreciated by families and corporate assholes. If he loses, he is escorted to the upper most seat in the top corner of the upper deck behind the left field pole. Two Shea security guards will be assigned to him to make sure he does not try to sneak back to his original seat. Every other inning the party patrol can interview him on the Diamondvision to see how pissed off he is getting. So much better than just an upgrade.

9. Get Rid Of Ricky Fucking Ledee

For the love of Christ, just make this happen.